IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of
men
 and
women
 in Australia in 6 different categories of
age
 from 15 to over 65 years old who
physically
Add a missing verb
were physically
show examples
 active in 2010.
Overall
,
Australian
women
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 active physically than
Australian
men
 which shows in 5 different categories of
age
. The
age
 of the most physically active
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Australian
women
 is between 45 to 54,
while
Australian
men
most
Add a missing verb
are most
show examples
 fit
in
Change preposition
between
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
15 to 24 years old. Male between 15 to 24 is the most active amongst all male in different
age
 category
whereas
 52.8%
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 regularly.
In contrast
, only 39.5% of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 between 35 to 44
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 active physically, which is
also
 the lowest point for all
category
Fix the agreement mistake
categories
show examples
. Three different
range
Fix the agreement mistake
ranges
show examples
 of ages for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 (35 to 44, 45 to 54, and 55 to 64) exceed the number of 50% (52.5%, 53.3%,
53
Correct word choice
and 53
show examples
%, respectively).
While
Correct word choice
Women
show examples
women
 who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 more than 65 years old
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the least active with 47.1%, which is still higher than most range of
age
 for
Australian
men
.
Submitted by buttercookies28 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, age, australian with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: