IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that the crime among teenagers is increasing because of violent video games. To what extent you agree or disagree?

Video
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games
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 have become increasingly popular among the younger generations.
This
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 trend has raised concerns about the growth in violence
as a result
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 of harsh
games
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. Are
video
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games
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 directly related to the unpleasant behaviours of pupils?
Initially
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, it is true that the crime rate has risen in different areas of the world, especially in developed countries. Some people tend to believe that
this
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 is mainly caused by
video
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games
Punctuation problem
games,
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 as they are
also
Linking Words
 becoming more and more popular among
children
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 in those countries with the highest rate of crimes.
While
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video
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games
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 can undeniably extend the degree of bad-tempered
manners
Check wording
behaviour
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 in
children
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, they should not be taken as the only cause of
this
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 problem. There could be other encouraging sources of violence
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such
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, such
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 as inappropriate TV programs and some Hollywood movies
that
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, that
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 should be considered as well. Having said that, the positive effects of a proper education can simply reverse the negative effects of any destructive sources. On the family side of
this
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 matter, parents should take the main responsibility of teaching basic moral principles to their own
children
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 and providing a peaceful atmosphere for them to grow in.
Besides
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, every activity of teenagers should be supervised by their parents so that they do not indulge themselves in
video
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games
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 for more than a specific amount of time. Teachers, on the other
side
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hand
show examples
, can act as role models for their students and discourage any harsh behaviour in them.
For example
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, they can show students how they are capable of controlling their temper in some tempting situations. In conclusion,
children
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 should be allowed to play
video
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games
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 with extra caution
as
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, as
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 they can be affected severely by the violent content
,
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;
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however
Linking Words
, these
games
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 can not be referred to as the only cause of the issue, and we have to deal with other underlying factors as well.

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task response
Be clear in your view from the start. Say if you agree fully or partly in the first lines.
task response
Give more real and simple examples to back each idea.
coherence cohesion
Make the order of ideas steady. Use clear linking words to move from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Keep sentences short and use common words. Avoid long, fancy phrases.
grammar
Check grammar and use the same idea in different words to show variety.
strength
The essay shows a view that video games are not the only cause of bad acts.
strength
It uses connect words like however and for example to join ideas.
strength
The essay has a clear start, body, and end.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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