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Band 6.5

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
#show #percentage #time #adults #activities #country #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The pie charts illustrate the percentage of working hours that were spent by adults on six activities in a certain nation in 1958 and 2008.
Overall
, in
given
Add an article
a given
show examples
 period of
time
, most people
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 their
time
to
Change the verb form
working
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work
 in a day compared to other activities.
To begin
 with, in 1958, almost
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one-third of adults spent their
time
 either
to
Change the verb form
working
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work
 or
sleep
Wrong verb form
sleeping
show examples
 with 33% and 32% respectively.
Additionally
, going out with friends or family took the second
larger
Correct word choice
largest
show examples
 portion at 19%. Meanwhile, in three other activities, people spent less
time
 around 10% for relaxing at home around 8%, playing sports at 6% and travel to
work
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 2%. On the other side, in
general
Add a comma
general,
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 the total amount of working hours spent by
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
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 increased slightly in fifty years. Spending
time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
work
 rose to 42%.
Moreover
,
allocation
Correct article usage
the allocation
show examples
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
 for relaxing at home had a slight
increased
Replace the word
increase
show examples
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 5%.
In addition
,
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
 spent the same hours
to travel
Change the verb form
travelling
show examples
 to
work
 or playing sports
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
 8%.
In contrast
, the number of sleeping and going out experienced
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
 decrease by 5-13% to 25% and 6% respectively.
Submitted by jxnxy01 on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, work with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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