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Band 4

Some people dislike change in their sociality and their own lives and want things to stay the same. *why do some people want things to say the same? *why should change be regarded as something positive?

#people #dislike #change #sociality #lives #*why
Some people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 about changing in different
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
 like environment and lifestyle, so some of them prefer to stop in these subjects and their thought is
the
Correct determiner usage
that
show examples
 things should not be changed too. I completely disagree with
these opinion
Change the determiner
this opinion
these opinions
show examples
, because staying on a
life
 without any
change
 would be awful for everyone. On the one hand, consistently, changing in some main factors is not
type
Add an article
the type
show examples
 of some people. In fact, there are some reasons
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 it,
firstly
,
this
 kind of person
afraid
Add a missing verb
is afraid
show examples
 of changing in their
life
 and society, because they believe that will miss their
obviously
Change the adverb
obvious
show examples
 situation,
likewise
 will not acquire
future
Correct article usage
a future
show examples
. In my opinion, it goes back to their negative attitude.
Secondly
, all alternatives have some costs,
for instance
, spending more money and energy,
also
, considering more time in it, so they prefer to avoid
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it.
Finally
, the risk power among
this
 kind of people is lower than the positive persons, so
this
 aspect of their personality would be awful in their future.
On the other hand
, the
change
 in
life
 consistently
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 has some positive affected
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our lifestyle.
In other words
, the positive
change
 would
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lead to improvement
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 level of our attitude in solving
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 which perhaps we face
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
during
life
.
for instance
, when we have a little
change
 in our shy spirit, certainly, we can develop
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
self-confidence. Absolutely, the changes can raise our awareness about finding the most effective plans like
successful
Add an article
a successful
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 person. So it would
be had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a lot of positive
effective
Replace the word
effects
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our future
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
. Eventually, I completely agree with the alternative the positive
changing
Replace the word
change
show examples
 to a monotonous
life
 deposit of
boring
Correct article usage
a boring
show examples
 lifestyle. In conclusion, from my point of view,
choice
Replace the word
choosing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
life
that
Change preposition
in
show examples
there
Correct pronoun usage
which there
show examples
 is not any
change
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, undoubtedly, would be a failure
life
, so, accepting the positive alternative in our
life
 can
assistant
Replace the word
assist
show examples
 have
to improve
Change preposition
in improving
show examples
 some
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 main aspects of our
life
.
Submitted by Pegahghaderi85 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay exhibits a weak structure and lacks clear progression of ideas, with thoughts appearing disjointed rather than logically flowing from one to the next. IELTS essays should have a clear introduction, body paragraphs with distinct main ideas and supporting details, and a cohesive conclusion that summarizes the central themes.
task achievement
Task response is inadequate due to the failure to analyze the reasons some people prefer no change in a detailed and fully developed manner. You have presented ideas but without exploring them to the depth expected at the IELTS standard. Also, you need to present both sides of the argument to achieve a balanced view as the prompt suggests.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a range of cohesive devices and appropriate paragraphing which impacts the overall coherence. Usage of linking words and topic sentences can significantly improve the readability and coherence of your essay. Make sure each paragraph explores a single main idea.
task achievement
The essay's language should be formal and academic. There are several instances of colloquial language, informal expressions, and grammatical inaccuracies that reduce the overall score. Proofreading and a more careful selection of vocabulary would greatly benefit the formal quality of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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