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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behaviour both on and off the field, can have negative influences. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #athletes #role #models #behaviour #field #influences
Nowadays professional sportsmen, who stand as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 for young
people
, may have crucial consequences on
youth
.
While
 some
people
 believe they may have negative effects as influence is
also
 formed on athlete’s behaviour off the field, I agree with those who are sure that professional
athletes
 affect youngsters in a positive way, because lots of young
people
 are keen on
sports
due to
 their idols. Some
people
 are convinced that professional
athletes
 have a negative effect on
youth
due to
 their life outside the scene. A lot of professional sportsmen,
for example
, bodybuilders use tons of steroids and other drugs, which can have lethal consequences. Not informing about deadly supplements that
athletes
 use, leads to young
people
 following their idols,
thus
 ruining their health.
This
 is an important issue, which may be solved only after sportsmen will stop keeping silent regarding their
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 supplements.
On the other hand
, some
people
 believe that
sports
 heroes serve as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
positive role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 for the
youth
, by inspiring lots of young men not to quit
sports
 in life, and I side with
this
 point of view. Youngsters by the affection of their icons actively engage in
sports
,
thus
 developing their stamina and bulking up muscles.
This
, in turn, has huge health benefits
such
 as
steady
Correct article usage
a steady
show examples
 heart pulse, strong body carcass,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
faster reaction time.
For example
, a recent study in the New York Times claims that 67% of young men, who let
sports
 take over their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, are healthier than the part of
youth
, who do not engage
through
Change preposition
in
show examples
sports
. In conclusion ,
while
 some
people
 are sure that professional
athletes
 may have negative effects on youngsters
due to
 the use of drugs, I agree with those who argue that
sports
 idols benefit their fans by inspiring them to engage in
sports
,
thus
 helping
youth
 appear healthier.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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Introduction
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the points you will discuss. Your introduction does touch on the topic but the points discussed in the essay are not clearly outlined.
Cohesion
Work on the logical structure of your essay to improve the flow of ideas. Try to ensure that each paragraph follows logically from the last and that your argument progresses in a clear and orderly fashion.
Conclusion
Make sure to include a conclusion that not only summarizes the points made but also provides a clear final stance on the issue.
Task Achievement
To achieve a higher score in task achievement, ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task prompt and presents a clear argument throughout the essay.
Ideas Development
Include more comprehensive ideas that explore the nuances of the topic, which can help demonstrate a deeper understanding and critical engagement with the issue.
Supporting Examples
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your main points. This can include statistical data, anecdotal evidence, or quotations from relevant authorities on the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • role models
  • behaviour
  • field
  • positive influences
  • negative influences
  • hard work
  • dedication
  • discipline
  • determination
  • healthy lifestyle
  • fitness
  • perseverance
  • challenges
  • teamwork
  • collaboration
  • controversial behavior
  • substance abuse
  • legal issues
  • materialism
  • excessive spending
  • responsibility
  • accountability
What to do next:
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