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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification.

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Nowadays, some
students
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 in university tend to focus on their main
subjects
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,
while
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 others are eager to learn more
subjects
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 and broaden their knowledge. There are certain advantages and disadvantages on both sides,
the
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which the
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 above essay will explain
about
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apply
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it
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apply
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. On the one hand, some learner wants to learn other
subjects
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in addition
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 to their main
subjects
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. It, of course, has a lot of benefits to the
students
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 who are going to face the job-seeking problem. Attending more
subjects
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 can help them to improve their problem-solving skills and make them more confident to address issues.
For example
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, learners study in computer science major, if they learn some language and management information, they can be more employable
due to
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 they getting strong communication skills and organization abilities.
Also
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,
students
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 who learn liberal arts or language, need to gain some information and technological knowledge so that it can provide more essential skills in their work.
As a result
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, those who learn additional
subjects
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 will gain more career opportunities and complete their work more effectively.
However
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, the
students
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 who focus on their main
subjects
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 can be more professional and well-skilled than others because of digging into the
subjects
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. When they prepare to go into the job market, they could find that employers would seek workers like them who are proficient in their expertise.
For instance
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, if computer science
students
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 are proficient and have
got
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apply
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enough project practice when they were in university, it indicates that they already have to join a programming group in a company immediately. But, sometimes, if
students
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 don't have other fields of knowledge, it would prevent them from attending high-level project which requires some additional ability,
such
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 as speaking a foreign language or giving a clear presentation. In conclusion, whether
students
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 want to learn other
subjects
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additionally
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 or tend to focus on their main
subjects
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,
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this is
Verb problem
depends
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according
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on
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 to if
students
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' time and energy
allow
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to allow
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 them to learn more additional
subjects
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 and
students
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 need to make a decision more responsibly.

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coherence cohesion
Though your essay generally flows well, improving the logical sequencing and transition between ideas would enhance its coherence. Try using a variety of transition words and phrases to guide the reader more smoothly from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
While an introduction and conclusion are present, both can be further developed with a clearer thesis statement in the introduction and a more comprehensive summary of points in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that your main points are adequately supported with detailed explanations and examples. Expanding your arguments with more specific and relevant information can provide a stronger, more convincing case.
task achievement
Aim to provide a more complete response to the topic by ensuring a balanced discussion of both views. The essay tends to tilt towards one perspective. It's crucial to explore both sides of the argument equally to satisfy the task requirements.
task achievement
The ideas in your essay are relatively clear, but strive for greater clarity and depth in your explanations. By providing comprehensive reasoning, your arguments will be more persuasive and thorough.
task achievement
Use more relevant and specific examples to underpin your main ideas. Concrete examples make your arguments more relatable and credible, thereby strengthening your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Broaden
  • Perspectives
  • Specialize
  • Critical thinking
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Career success
  • Interdisciplinary connections
  • Structured path
  • Clear goals
  • Creativity
  • Innovation
  • Academic credibility
  • Recognition
  • Balance
  • Exploring
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