IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is true that professions in
entertainment
Correct article usage
the entertainment
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 industries are
such
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
apply
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lucrative
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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, with proponents
suggest
Wrong verb form
suggesting
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 that the revenue that they receive is beyond average. I tend to agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, and I
also
Linking Words
 believe that there are other well-paid jobs related to science and medical fields. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, there are many reasons why artistic people are often paid handsomely. Clearly, they are likely to attract more spectators as
the
Change the word
their
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 popularity increases, selling tens of thousands of tickets just for
one
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 event, which can be the bedrock
to
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of
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 prosperity. To give
one
Use synonyms
 example, Taylor Swift has become
one
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 of the best
singer
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singers
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 and the second richest musician in the US
due to
Linking Words
 the support of the tons millions of viewers around the world.
Besides
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,
as
Change preposition
with
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 the advancements in Technology, every major event can be watched online by
funs
Correct your spelling
fans
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 without much difficulty, receiving virtual followers and millions of views.
In other words
Linking Words
, they
are
Verb problem
have
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also
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 become
the
Correct article usage
apply
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international celebrities, thanks to the media sharing sensational news and posting about them,
while
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 they
also
Linking Words
 get income from streaming these events.
On the other hand
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, being offered a large sum of money does not come without having years of practice, sacrifice and devotion, which is true for both the stars and other kinds of professionals.
Besides
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, if they are still beginners, it is almost impossible to get a job, even
one
Use synonyms
 with a low salary. The same is true for people pursuing science majors,
such
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 as
engineer
Wrong verb form
engineering
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 or research scientists in medical sectors, many of them can certainly be paid well once they reach a
master
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master's
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 level. Sometimes, they can even be paid higher and more important to society, even if they are unknown
by
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to
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 the majority. In conclusion, professionals in both entertainment industries and academic fields can be paid well as long as they devote
to
Correct pronoun usage
themselves to
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 a certain extent,
while
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 entertainers can gain the trust and views of people worldwide and
thus
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 be paid too much.

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coherence cohesion
You should focus on providing a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. While your essay does have a logical structure, it could be improved by making better use of paragraphing to separate your points clearly. This will help in ensuring that your main points are well-developed and do not become lost within paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and generally clear. However, you could enhance your introduction by directly addressing the prompt and stating your thesis more distinctly. Your conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing your key points more concisely to make a lasting impression.
coherence cohesion
While you have made some effort to support your main points, you could improve by incorporating more specific examples and data. Where possible, make use of quantifiable information or refer to studies and surveys that substantiate your arguments.
task achievement
Your essay does address the task, but to achieve a higher score, strive to fully develop your response to all parts of the question. Provide a balanced treatment of the prompt by expanding your discussion on other types of jobs that should be highly paid and why.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear, but they could be conveyed more comprehensively. Utilize a wider range of structures and vocabulary to articulate your thoughts more effectively, and ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea.
task achievement
The examples you provided are relevant, but they could be more specific and more strongly linked to the prompt. Aim to include examples that illustrate your points clearly, and consider a wider range of occupations when discussing which should be highly paid.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Revenue generation
  • Supply and demand
  • Influence on culture
  • Trendsetters
  • Income disparity
  • Essential workers
  • Critical role
  • Public health
  • Endorsements
  • Economies
  • Compensation
  • Significant contribution
  • Technological advancements
  • Global challenges
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