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Band 4.5

Different communities are guided by certain customs and traditions. It is often believed that the community may lose its functionality if people show less interest in leading their lives in line with social principles. In my opinion, the idea that individuals could do anything based on their personal preferences could hamper social functioning is valid

#communities #customs #traditions #community #functionality #people #show #interest #lives #line #principles #idea #individuals #preferences
To commence with, even though there are many problems associated with the functioning of a society, without orders and laws, people especially those from the younger generation
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 distinguish what is right or wrong without knowledge of
such
 guidelines.
Hence
, these activities breed the offender for some serious crimes in the future. Another compelling reason is that without the existence of any regulations and law enforcement, anyone can commit a crime without restrictions, irrespective of the type of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
offence or the assault that acts as a drawback for the country's development.
For instance
, official authorities
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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easily get involved in fraud and money laundering from the national budgets and
not
Add a missing verb
do not
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 encounter any punishments affecting the political, social and economic disturbance in the country.
On the other hand
, it should be acknowledged that
law
Correct article usage
the law
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 must guarantee social stability by imposing rules as incentives for reduced criminal activities. So, perpetrators could take harsh punishments into consideration. To epitome, in Vietnam, individuals would be compromised from the ownership of illegally smuggled weapons
due to
 the fear of life imprisonment
imposing
Wrong verb form
imposed
show examples
 on people with weapon accessibility, suggesting a causal relationship with the reduced homicide rate, ensuring social soundness. In conclusion, an individual has the freedom to do anything based on personal preferences, which could be instrumental in the downturn of society.
Additionally
, official authorities should undertake practical initiatives to ascertain the righteousness
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 citizens for the long-term sustainability of society.
Submitted by snmohseni on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a clear structure, but the development of ideas could be improved. Be sure each paragraph has one clear main idea and that all sentences within that paragraph are focused on supporting it.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that your introduction sufficiently presents the topic and your viewpoint, and your conclusion effectively summarizes the argument without introducing new information.
task achievement
You've addressed the task, but some parts of the response may lack depth or full elaboration. Enhance your essay by providing more detailed examples and expanding on your ideas to show a complex understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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