IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

More and more people today are drinking sugar-based drinks. What are the reasons for this? What are the solutions to make people drink less?

#people #drinks #drink
It is true that having sugar-based
drinks
 is a rising trend nowadays.
This
 can be attributed to various factors, which
calls
Correct subject-verb agreement
call
show examples
 for possible solutions to be adopted. There are some explanations as to why the
consumption
 of sugar-based
drinks
 is rising these
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
show examples
(s). One possibility is that sugar-based
drinks
Change the verb form
are
show examples
is advertise
Change the verb form
is advertised
is advertising
show examples
(d) on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
various media.
This
 can allow company companies to approach the consumers.
As a result
, consumers will buy more
drinks
 from these companys companies, which lead to rise of
consumption
 a rise in the
consumption
 of sugar-based
drinks
 at
this
 time. [Improve TA] Another point worth mentioning is that the price of sugar-based
drinks
 is cheap
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in some countries of the world.
For example
, in Viet Nam Vietnam, many types of sugar-based
drinks
 like
Coca-cola
Correct your spelling
Coca-Cola
show examples
, Pepsi,
Sting
Correct word choice
and Sting
show examples
 , including
Coca Cola
Add a hyphen
Coca-Cola
show examples
 and Pepsi, just have a price of approximately 0,5
dollar
Fix the agreement mistake
dollars
show examples
. So cheap
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the sugar-based
drinks
 that everybody can buy and drink
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
simply
Change the word
simple
show examples
way
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
This
 can lead to having//consuming sugar-based
drinks
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increasing these day(s). [Comment idea 2] Various measures,
nevertheless
, can be implemented to address these issues. The first possible solution is that each person should raise their awareness of the adverse
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
(s) of drinking sugar-based
drinks
. They should get knowledge about some disease(s) like ,
such
 as diabetes, and obesity, which are the adverse consequences of consuming much sugar-based
drinks
. [Comment idea 1]The second approach is that the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 government should implement a policy on sugary products
call
Wrong verb form
called
show examples
(
ed
Correct article usage
the ed
show examples
)
sugar-tax
Correct your spelling
sugar tax
show examples
.
This
 can lead to a decrease in the number of person people who
consumption
 consume sugar-based
drinks
 because of
increasing
Replace the word
an increase
show examples
 in sugar-based
drinks
 price(s). [Comment idea 2]
While
 many reasons can be given to explain why an increasing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
number of person people consume sugar-based
drinks
, steps can be taken to improve the situation.
Submitted by phuochong2005 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Be mindful of forming clear and coherent sentences. Run-on sentences, comma splices, and unclear relationships between ideas disrupt the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Include a clear introductory statement and a distinct conclusion to better frame your discussion and leave a strong impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with more extensive and varied support. For example, use more detailed examples, cite sources, or include statistics where appropriate.
task achievement
Ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. Make sure to discuss both causes and solutions thoroughly to provide a complete response.
task achievement
Express your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Focus on forming coherent arguments and expanding on ideas to make them fully understandable.
task achievement
Provide relevant and specific examples to support your points. Use real-world examples or hypothetical scenarios to illustrate your claims and make them more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: