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Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people
There is a rising number of
health
 issues which are associated with high-sugar food and drink consumption. I agree that higher sugary
products
’ prices will prevent
people
 from purchasing and consuming them. Because
this
 effort will be part of
health
 promotion.
However
, it should be balanced by increasing
people
’s awareness towards the negative impact of sugary
products
 on their
health
. Eating food or drinking beverages with high levels of sugar definitely will put
people
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
health
risks
Fix the agreement mistake
risk
show examples
. Some diseases are caused by
this
 habit,
such
 as obesity and diabetes.
Thus
,
health
 campaigns are massively performed to encourage
people
 to consume
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 surgery
products
. Increasing these
products
’s prices will work in the same direction as other
health
 campaigns.
People
 will put several considerations into purchasing the
products
 when their prices are getting higher.
For instance
, when it comes to looking for refreshing
drinks
 because
people
 get thirsty, many
people
 will go with sweet
drinks
. But, if these kinds of
drinks
 cost one or
two folds
Correct your spelling
twofold
show examples
 from mineral water,
then
 they will tend to purchase mineral water.
On the other hand
,
people
's awareness regarding the consumption of sugary
products
 is
also
 highlighted. Disadvantageous risks from excessive consumption of these
products
 will put their
health
 in
high risk
Add a hyphen
high-risk
show examples
 conditions. Some of them do have some concerns, but the others do not.
Thus
, an informational or education program is required.
For example
, regular webinars on the importance of limiting sugar intake are held by a lot of
health
 institutions in Indonesia
since
Change preposition
because of
show examples
 its high numbers of obese and diabetic patients.
Overall
, it will be impactful to raise
health
 conditions by combining charging more food and
drinks
 with high content of sugar and educating
people
 regarding the
products’
Correct your spelling
product’s
show examples
 potential risks.
Submitted by rossaagp9298 on

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logical structure
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introduction conclusion present
A clear introduction and conclusion are essential for framing your essay; ensure they are explicitly stated and reflect the essay's overall argument.
supported main points
Develop your main points with specific examples and explanations rather than general statements to strengthen your argument.
complete response
Ensure you address all parts of the task, providing a balanced argument and supporting it with relevant, specific examples.
clear comprehensive ideas
Present your ideas clearly and structure your paragraphs so that each contains one main idea with supporting details.
relevant specific examples
Use real-world examples or data to support your argument, making them relevant to the question posed and illustrating your point effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
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