IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people
Nowadays, many
food
companies
 produce unhealthy
products
 with high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of harmful content which leads to many disorders. Some individuals strongly support the
nation
Correct your spelling
notion
show examples
 that the cost of these materials to be increased remarkably eventually limiting their use. Admittedly, I completely agree that the increasing price of these kinds of
products
 will lead to less consumption of them.
Firstly
, the important step is that
food
companies
 use good quality
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
content to manufacture
products
,
even
Correct word choice
and even
show examples
products
 will become more expensive. To elaborate
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, when they use
low cost
Add a hyphen
low-cost
show examples
 materials in
production
Add an article
the production
show examples
 of
food
,
middle class
Add a hyphen
middle-class
show examples
 people purchase it as a cheaper
products
Correct the article-noun agreement
product
show examples
 but it would be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 them.
For instance
, in 2020, a survey conducted by
World
Correct article usage
the World
show examples
 Health Organization (WHO) revealed that 40 out of 100 in Pakistan had a higher body mass index (BMI)
due to
 take huge quantity of sugary
products
.
As a consequence
, the authority should impose taxes, directly and indirectly, on those sugary items to make them unaffordable
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 people and improve public health. Yet, another axiomatic argument is that
companies
 always think about the profit and set the prices of
products
according to
 it. If it is not cost-effective for them to add more expensive sugar to their
products
, they will restrict it and
consequently
 replace it with some healthy
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
. To take an example, recently a research paper published in the renowned journal “Elsevier” highlighted that 60%
food
Change preposition
of food
show examples
manufactured
Replace the word
manufacturing
show examples
companies
 used
low quality
Add a hyphen
low-quality
show examples
 ingredients in Pakistan.
Hence
, these dangerous
products
 may cause many diseases in humans,
sometime
Replace the word
sometimes
show examples
results
Wrong verb form
resulting
show examples
 in the form of death. In conclusion, I believe the idea of increasing the price of unhealthy raw materials can lead to restriction of their usage.
Submitted by aleemsahahzad12 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
While your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, ensure that they clearly establish the framework of the discussion and effectively summarize your key points, respectively.
coherence cohesion
Work on a more logical structure of your main paragraphs to aid in the flow of the essay. Ensure each paragraph contains a clear main idea, supporting sentences, and a concluding statement that relates to the overall essay argument.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with more specific examples or data. While you have included examples, they could be strengthened with clear relevance and specific details that reinforce your argument.
task achievement
Provide a complete response to the task by covering all aspects of the prompt thoroughly. While your response is broadly on topic, ensure that you delve into each aspect with equal depth and attention.
task achievement
Strive to express clear and comprehensive ideas throughout the essay. Some statements could be articulated more clearly to convey your stance and argumentation effectively.
task achievement
Include relevant, specific examples that clearly support the points made. Examples should be detailed, clearly linked to the argument, and derived from trustworthy sources to enhance credibility and strengthen the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
What to do next:
Look at other essays: