IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays, not enough students choose science subjects in university in many countries. What are the reasons for this problem? What are the effects on society? You should write at least 250 words.

#students #science #subjects #university #countries #effects #society
University
students
 around the world are losing their interest in
science
 for various reasons, the causes include,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of early
education
 and restricted job opportunities in the future.
Such
 trends will reduce the competitiveness of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society in the long term. There are a few causes for the decreasing number of
students
 in
science
 fields, first of all, many governments fail to provide sufficient educational resources and adequate stimulus in early
education
 institutes to inspire youth to continue their study of
science
.
For example
, most public schools are not able to build labs for young individuals to conduct experiments and help them to convert theory into practice.
Secondly
, undergraduates nowadays are more concerned about their income after graduation to pay back their student loans and cover the rising cost of living. As
such
, people are in favour of subjects
such
 as; business, construction, mining, and politics
instead
 of
science
 for a higher paid career in the future.
On the other hand
, since
science
 plays
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
show examples
 role in making progress in societies, the shortage of associated experts could slow down the improvement of society as a whole. I.e, the USA in the early days of the space race failed to launch
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 first rocket successfully because of the shortage of competent engineers and specialists. The lack of critical thinking in early
education
 impacts negatively
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 future learning capacity in higher
education
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and can have negative impacts on their adult lives as they don't understand the fundamentals of medical treatments, car maintenance, electrical safety,
ect
Correct your spelling
etc
. Leading these people to be
easy
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
easily
mislead
Wrong verb form
misled
show examples
 by the spread of incorrect information or lies from their local media or political representatives. To summarise, poor early
education
 in
science
as well as
 relatively low wages derive a downward trend in the population of
science
 major
students
.
Such
 situations will restrict the development of; countries, states, cities and the world as a whole. We already have a lot of residents
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 cannot implement logical thinking to solve problems, and if the correct course of action is not taken, the problem is only guaranteed to get worse.
Submitted by unapoya0916 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay does present ideas logically, but the structure could be improved by using more effective transition phrases between points and paragraphs to enhance the flow of information. The use of cohesive devices is sporadic, which may confuse the reader.
task achievement
While the essay addresses the topic, the response to the task could be more fully developed. There is an attempt to cover causes and effects, yet elaboration on these points is at times superficial. To improve, provide a deeper analysis and more detailed exemplification to support the assertions made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: