Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be valuable for children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Interactive
media
such
as television, video, and computer games has
been used by Correct subject-verb agreement
have
children
in their free time frequently
. Rephrase
apply
However
, while
some people think that it is important to use these devices for kids for educational purpose
and stress-release, I personally believe that Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
mentioned
stuff Correct article usage
the mentioned
contain
Verb problem
has
bad
influence Correct article usage
a bad
for
them.
With regard to the educational purpose, people believe it is acceptable for several reasons. Change preposition
on
Firstly
, they think that interactive media
can be a source of learning to
these Change preposition
for
children
. This
is because media
can offer audio and visual-based learning that allows children
to absorb knowledge in fun
way. That being said, parents may feel less worry if their Change the article
a fun
children
play gadgets
, as long as the content accessed is education-related material. Change preposition
with gadgets
Furthermore
, it is believed by some research that learning by video is easily stuck in our memory rather than textbook-based learning.
However
, I do not argue these arguments are entirely valid. To begin
, it has been shown on numerous occasion
that Fix the agreement mistake
occasions
children
who spent
leisure Wrong verb form
spend
times
more than four hours to videos are subject to Fix the agreement mistake
time
lack
of emotional control. Correct article usage
a lack
This
has caused many children
are
quickly agitated if their devices are taken away. If the goal is to ensure Change the verb form
to be
children
to
study interactively, Fix the infinitive
apply
then
these emotional problem
should not happen in the first place at all. Change the determiner
this emotional problem
these emotional problems
Therefore
, again, leaving children
with devices should not be considered as
alternative to interactive learning.
Correct your spelling
an
To sum up
, although
some people argue that interactive media
provides positive effects for children
for studying purpose
, I would argue there is sufficient evidence to demonstrate that Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
this
is not the case, and therefore
, controlling the usage of medias
for Correct your spelling
media
children
should be under strict supervision.Submitted by imsarunn on
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coherence cohesion
The essay needs a more coherent structure with better use of paragraphs to separate the points. Each main idea should be in its paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and Conclusion must be more clearly defined, framing the discussion in the introduction and summarizing the main points in a meaningful conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with specific examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Make sure to fully address the task by discussing both views equally before giving your opinion. Provide a balanced view before stating your own stance.
task achievement
Your ideas need to be expressed more clearly and developed more comprehensively. This can be achieved through the use of more complex sentence structures and a variety of vocabulary.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. Examples help to illustrate your point of view and make your essay more persuasive.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example