IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Some people get into debt buying things they don’t need and can’t ‎afford.What are the reasons for this behaviour?What action can be taken ‎to prevent people having this problem?

#people #debt #don’t #can’t #‎afford #behaviour #action #‎to
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The bar chart gives information about
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intake
Correct article usage
the intake
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 of
students
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, who are interested in
music
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 in an Australian university between 2000 and 2006
while
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 the pie chart provides different ways of choosing their career after completing the
course
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.
Overall
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, females were more interested in
music
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rather
Rephrase
apply
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than males and their enrollment was increasing year by year in the given
period
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 time but the
intake
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 of men was relatively stable during the whole
period
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.
However
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, after their
course
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, most of the
students
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anyway
Rephrase
apply
show examples
choose
the
Correct article usage
a
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 profession which is not related to
music
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. In 2000,
men
Change noun form
men's
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 and women’s
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rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
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 of enrollment were the same at 20%
Nonetheless
Linking Words
intake
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 of men to
music
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Use synonyms
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
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 declined
while
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 the women’s
rate
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 of
intake
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 increased. As the enrollment of females kept lifting till the end of the
period
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 and reached 60 % , the
rate
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 of
intake
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 of males stopped decreasing when it lost half of its index in 2004 and started increasing till it returned to the initial
rate
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at the end
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 of the given
period
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. More than
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of the
students
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 choose
different
Correct article usage
a different
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 job after the
music
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course
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while
Linking Words
 only 20% of
students
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 do not change
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 area when they choose to
profession
Add an article
the profession
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. The rest of the
students
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, 25 %,
pick
Wrong verb form
picked
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the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar profession #sevara #day3 #n3
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task achievement
Ensure to address the topic accurately and provide relevant examples and explanations. The presented essay does not correspond to the given issue about debt and buying unnecessary goods.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring the essay with clear introductions, body paragraphs, and conclusions. Each paragraph should have a clear purpose and contribute to the overall argument or presentation of information.
task achievement
Avoid including unrelated or irrelevant information to the topic. The reference to music students does not address the question about debt and shows a serious misunderstanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
Develop paragraphs with main ideas followed by supporting details and examples. This helps the reader to follow the argument and understand the points being made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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