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Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Some people get into debt buying things they don’t need and can’t ‎afford.What are the reasons for this behaviour?What action can be taken ‎to prevent people having this problem?

#people #debt #don’t #can’t #‎afford #behaviour #action #‎to
The bar chart gives information about
intake
Correct article usage
the intake
show examples
 of
students
, who are interested in
music
 in an Australian university between 2000 and 2006
while
 the pie chart provides different ways of choosing their career after completing the
course
.
Overall
, females were more interested in
music
rather
Rephrase
apply
show examples
than males and their enrollment was increasing year by year in the given
period
 time but the
intake
 of men was relatively stable during the whole
period
.
However
, after their
course
, most of the
students
anyway
Rephrase
apply
show examples
choose
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 profession which is not related to
music
. In 2000,
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
 and women’s
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
 of enrollment were the same at 20%
Nonetheless
intake
 of men to
music
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
 declined
while
 the women’s
rate
 of
intake
 increased. As the enrollment of females kept lifting till the end of the
period
 and reached 60 % , the
rate
 of
intake
 of males stopped decreasing when it lost half of its index in 2004 and started increasing till it returned to the initial
rate
at the end
 of the given
period
. More than
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of the
students
 choose
different
Correct article usage
a different
show examples
 job after the
music
course
while
 only 20% of
students
 do not change
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 area when they choose to
profession
Add an article
the profession
show examples
. The rest of the
students
, 25 %,
pick
Wrong verb form
picked
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar profession #sevara #day3 #n3
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task achievement
Ensure to address the topic accurately and provide relevant examples and explanations. The presented essay does not correspond to the given issue about debt and buying unnecessary goods.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring the essay with clear introductions, body paragraphs, and conclusions. Each paragraph should have a clear purpose and contribute to the overall argument or presentation of information.
task achievement
Avoid including unrelated or irrelevant information to the topic. The reference to music students does not address the question about debt and shows a serious misunderstanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
Develop paragraphs with main ideas followed by supporting details and examples. This helps the reader to follow the argument and understand the points being made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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