The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town and cites closing. Do you agree or disagree?

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The bar chart gives information about the
intake
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of
students
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, who are interested in
music
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in an Australian university between 2000 and 2006
while
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the pie chart provides different ways of choosing their career after completing the course.
Overall
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, females were more interested in
music
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than males and their enrollment was increasing year by year in the given
period
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of time but the
intake
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of men was relatively stable during the whole
period
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.
However
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, after their course, most of the
students
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anyways
Rephrase
apply
show examples
choose a profession which is not related to
music
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. In 2000, men's and women’s rates of enrollment were the same at 20%
Nonetheless
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intake
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of men to
music
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courses declined
while
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the women’s rate of
intake
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increased. As the enrollment of females kept lifting till the end of the
period
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and reached 60 % , the rate of
intake
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of males stopped decreasing when it lost half of its index in 2004 and started increasing till it returned to the initial rate
at the end
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of the given
period
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. More than half of the
students
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choose a different job after the
music
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course
while
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only 20% of
students
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do not change their area when they choose the profession. The rest of the
students
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, 25 %, picked a similar profession
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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure, with an introduction and conclusion that are necessary for IELTS Task 2 essays. The organization of ideas is not coherent, which makes it difficult to follow the argument. Develop a clear logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
Your response to the task is incomplete as the essay does not address the IELTS task prompt, which is about the growth of online shopping leading to the closure of physical shops. Ensure that the essay directly responds to the question by agreeing or disagreeing with the statement and providing reasons for your standpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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