IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In certain countries, unemployment is so high that some have suggested children should stop their education after primary school to learn skills necessary to join the workforce. Do you agree or disagree?

#countries #unemployment #children #education #school #skills #workforce
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent years, unemployment has been a central issue in many developing countries and societies,
moreover
, the rate of joblessness is still constantly rising.
Therefore
, an ongoing discussion is taking about whether the government should encourage pupils to halt their academics immediately after they finish
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
primary school to step foot in the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 industry. Within my range of observation and understanding, I stand for a belief that pursuing a higher education will result in better job opportunities in the future. On one hand, it is undeniable that working at a younger age provides the children more practical experience. Not only will they know how to deal with their colleagues and acquaintances
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
they will
also
 be able to outperform other employees who didn’t have as much working experience in the past. As a reference, recent studies showed that people who started working earlier in age go through much less tension and stress since they understand how to solve problems in their workplace.
Hence
, the skills they have
stabilizes
Wrong verb form
stabilise
show examples
 their job and
offers
Correct subject-verb agreement
offer
show examples
 them many chances and opportunities.
On the other hand
, having a good education is
also
 very vital. Nowadays, an academic degree is a testament which determines one’s specialized intelligence and abilities.
Therefore
, being well-educated is a major factor which professional companies and institutions look into.
Moreover
, candidates who acquire a quality
graduated
Replace the word
graduate
show examples
 certificate usually have
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 possibility
to get
Change preposition
of getting
show examples
 into their dream positions.
For instance
, Tuan, a newly graduated student,
did
Correct pronoun usage
who did
show examples
 not have any previous jobs, still was accepted in an enormous company and institution
such
 as Deloit. In conclusion, it is true that even though working at a young age
benefit
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefits
show examples
 an individual
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a certain extent, it is definitely more vital to prioritise academic learning.
Submitted by truongmaihanh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of coherence and cohesion, with a logical structure and supported main points. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother and the overall cohesion can be improved by using a wider range of linking phrases.
task achievement
The response to the task is adequate, as the essay covers the topic and provides a clear opinion. Nevertheless, the task achievement could be higher with a more thorough analysis of the question and by considering a wider array of arguments and counterarguments. Provide a more detailed exploration of the implications of leaving school early for the workforce and balance this with a discussion on the value of continuing education.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: