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Band 4.5

Some parents and employers accuse schools of teaching "irrelevant" subjects such as History and Art. Do you agree that students should only learn important, job-related subjects?

#parents #employers #schools #subjects #history #art #students
There are some people, like parents and employers that believe subjects,
such
 as History and Art should not be taught in educational facilities because they provide no real benefit. In
this
 essay, I will discuss why I agree with
such
 a notion and form a conclusion. On the one hand, the coverage of
such
 topics provides no preparation for working adult life. The job market for acute fields of work,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 historians
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 few and far between.
Furthermore
, unless someone is significantly blessed in the artistic domain, they are unlikely to obtain an occupation that will provide enough monetary funds for sustainable living. These abilities are merely
just
Rephrase
apply
show examples
hobbies and are not required on a daily basis, unlike mathematics. Subjects,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 Maths and English enhance communication, literacy and numerical skills, all of which are encountered on a regular basis. To explain
further
, an accountant must be proficient in addressing their client’s worries
as well as
 exhibiting excellent mathematical attributes in order to do their job efficiently.
Such
 competencies begin at
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 level and transgress into adult life.
On the other hand
, excelling in
such
 a sector can
also
 lead to a successful and influential career. To illustrate
this
further
, the
world famous
Add a hyphen
world-famous
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 violinist Andre Rieu has performed across the globe and transformed the world of music forever. Not only is he in
a
Change the article
an
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 occupation that he adores but
also
 has gained incredible financial independence.
This
 can be a major concern to some guardians when their offspring want to pursue a more peculiar career,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 there is no reason as to why they wouldn’t be as successful as a doctor. In conclusion, it is advisable that the study of
english
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English
show examples
 and maths is focused on more within educational centres as
,
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apply
show examples
 they are more advantageous for future careers.
Submitted by abeera2012 on

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task achievement
Ensure a clear and unambiguous stance throughout the essay. The introduction should clearly state your position on the topic.
task achievement
Expand the scope of examples to be more persuasive and cover more than one individual's success within 'irrelevant' subjects.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying sentence structure to ensure a sophisticated use of language.
coherence cohesion
Make sure paragraphing is used effectively to present a logical argument. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea with supporting points.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the use of cohesive devices to create better flow and clarity between ideas and paragraphs.
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