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Writing Samples
Band 7

The charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or further education in 1980, 1990, and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or further education in 1980, 1990, and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The pie charts depict the percentage of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or
further
Linking Words
 education in 3 observed years.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the rate of employed
people
Use synonyms
 increased, the opposite was seen in the unemployed category and
people
Use synonyms
 who wanted to study
further
Linking Words
. Accounting for
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
50%, the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 who pursued higher education was the highest, followed by employment and jobless rates with 40% and 10% respectively.
This
Linking Words
 figure dropped sharply by 12% from 1980 to 1990,
then
Linking Words
 slightly decreased by 1% over the following 10 years.
Conversely
Linking Words
, a significant increase was seen in the proportion of individuals who had a job over a decade before growing slightly from 1990 to 2000
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in 1980, the ratio of unemployed
people
Use synonyms
 was the lowest, at 10% , 40% lower than students seeking advanced study.
Although
Linking Words
 there was a slight increase in 1990,
this
Linking Words
 figure decreased remarkably by 4% in 2000. The
jobless
Correct quantifier usage
number of jobless
show examples
 students remained
its
Change preposition
at its
show examples
 lowest over
observed
Correct article usage
the observed
show examples
 periods.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 83%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 3 times.
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