IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some employers want to contact their staff at all times. Does this development have more advantages then disadvantages?

#employers #contact #staff #times #development
Some employers decide to reach their
employees
 at all times.
Although
 some individuals believe that
this
 is not a problem, I believe
this
 development
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 more drawbacks
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 advantages because most of the
employees
 have decreased
productivity
. Believing that being
reachable
 at all the
time
 is not a negative
aspects
Correct the article-noun agreement
aspect
show examples
 might lead people to accept
this
 fact as normal, so more
employees
 support
this
 type of
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
.
Firstly
, most workers do not believe
this
 is a negative aspect
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their lives, and they answer a phone even when they are at home. Some of them
offfer
Correct your spelling
offer
 a second line to be more
reachable
 without notice
this
 might increase their pressure in life.
As a result
, they accept
this
 as a normal way of living.
For instance
, in most countries, it is totally normal to ask for two cellphone numbers
that
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
 a manager can call them if they need you. If
this
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not change,
this
 will be
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a new rule for the
rest
 of the world.
However
, I believe
this
 is not right because
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 people's
responsanbilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
 even when they are not at
work
.
This
 development brings more disadvantages
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 positive outcomes because
employees
 have decreased
productivity
.
This
 is the result of having so much pressure at
work
 and at home that they end
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
up feeling demotivated, so they slow down as
natural
Correct article usage
a natural
show examples
 response
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 feeling burned out.
Moreover
, having no
time
 to
rest
,
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 workers feel tired and
stressful
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
 because they need to
rest
 to feel with high level of energy again.
However
,
this
 is sometimes impossible because they are contacted through email, text or by phone, so
productivity
 has decreased. To illustrate my point, nowadays, people
work
 more hours but
productivity
 has declined because they feel tired during the day due
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 not having real
time
 to unwind. I believe being
reachable
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all the
time
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 more disadvantages, and it t would be much better to not provide
personal
Add an article
a personal
show examples
 phone number.
To conclude
,
although
 it is requested to provide alternative contact at
work
, it is much better to decline
this
 petition because
this
 might help the
employees
 to not be
reachable
 after they finish their
work
, and
this
 is a preferable way of living to be able to
rest
 and have fun to feel full of energy again.
Submitted by cuevas14dic on

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task achievement
You should ensure that each main point in your essay is clearly developed and extended. Introduce each point with a topic sentence and follow it with relevant support and examples.
task achievement
Work on improving the overall structure of your essay. While you have an introduction and a conclusion, they need to be clearer and more effectively summarize your main points. Specific examples should be included to support arguments better.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more concise and tightly focused on the question. Make sure your introduction sets the stage for the discussion to come, and your conclusion effectively summarizes the points made.
coherence cohesion
You attempted to organize your essay with a logical structure, but there were moments where the argument wasn't as clear as it could be. A more explicit connection between ideas would enhance the flow and understanding of your points.
coherence cohesion
You should work on connecting your ideas more cohesively. Use transitional phrases and make sure each paragraph builds upon the last in a logical manner, ensuring that all your main points are coherent and clearly support your overall argument.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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