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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage od Australian men an women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage od Australian men an women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #percentage #od #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The given bar graph
illustrate
Change the verb form
illustrates
show examples
 the proportion of Australian men and
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
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 who did daily activity in the year
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2010. The units were measured in per cent and divided into six different
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly seen that
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 more active compared with
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 in all
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
, except in
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of 15 to 24. In terms of
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of 35 to 44,
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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the lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 who did
regular
Add an article
a regular
the regular
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 activity with just below 40%,
whereas
Linking Words
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 accounted
at
Change preposition
for
show examples
 52.5%. There were
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 with
Use synonyms
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
show examples
 below 46%, which were 55 to 64, 45 to 54, and 25 to 34. The
figure
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figures
show examples
 were at 45,1%, 43,1% and 42,2%, severally.
However
Linking Words
, those
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 have
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 woman
percentage
Use synonyms
 of regular activity, with number at 53%, 53,3%, and 48,9%. Regarding the 15 to 24
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, the only different proportion compared with others, male
percentage
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 were higher at 52,8% and female at 47,7%.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
65
Correct article usage
the 65
show examples
 and over
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
,
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a slight difference with
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 at just over 47% and
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 at 46.7%.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, groups, group, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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