IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar chart below shows the percentage od Australian men an women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage od Australian men an women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #percentage #od #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar graph depicts the proportion of Australian
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 across various
age
Use synonyms
 brackets who engaged in physical activity in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clearly apparent that women consistently exhibit a higher percentage than
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
, with the exception of the 15 to 24
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
. Turning to the details, first in
the15
Correct your spelling
the 15
 to 24
group
Use synonyms
,
males
Use synonyms
 account for 52,8%,
while
Linking Words
 the
females
Use synonyms
 make up
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
47.7%.
This
Linking Words
 category is the only one
when
Correct word choice
where
show examples
males
Use synonyms
 overtook
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
females
Use synonyms
 by approximately 13%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, for the next
group
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
25 to 34,
Use synonyms
males
Correct article usage
the males
show examples
 percentage
plummet
Wrong verb form
plummeted
show examples
 to 42.2%,
whereas
Linking Words
females
Use synonyms
 had
gradual
Correct article usage
a gradual
show examples
 rise to 48.9%. The
Use synonyms
males
Fix the agreement mistake
male
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 hit their bottommost point
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
age
Use synonyms
 35 to 44,
it drop
Wrong verb form
dropping
show examples
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 39,5%
while
Linking Words
 the
females
Use synonyms
soaring
Wrong verb form
soared
show examples
 to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 peak
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
age
Use synonyms
 45 to 54
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 53.3%.
lastly
Linking Words
, in the
age
Use synonyms
 65 and over,
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 two
category
Fix the agreement mistake
categories
show examples
 almost tied with each other.
mlaes
Correct your spelling
males
 constitute
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
46.7%,
whereas
Linking Words
females
Use synonyms
 represent 47.1%
Submitted by nientjeninan on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas, while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group, males, females with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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