IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In modern times young adults spending more time with their friends and less time with family. Why has this change occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home?

In these recent
years
Add a comma
years,
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 younger individuals tend to spend their
time
Use synonyms
 with friends rather than with family. I strongly believe that most people like to spend
time
Use synonyms
 with something they love,
for example
Linking Words
 contributing
in
Change preposition
to
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game
Add an article
the game
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 community and social media
in
Change preposition
to
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 close
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
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 gap. First and foremost, there is no denying that technology nowadays contributes a lot
in
Change preposition
to
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 different ages from younger
age
Use synonyms
 to
elder
Correct your spelling
older
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age
Use synonyms
 which
guide
Change the verb form
guides
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 society to develop their interest.
Moreover
Linking Words
, digital media
platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
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 facilitate constant connection and interaction among peers and
that
Linking Words
is leading
Wrong verb form
leads
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 to more
time
Use synonyms
 with friends.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
parents
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 definitely have utterly different interests
with
Change preposition
from
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 their
children
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 which makes
children
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 consider
to
Change preposition
apply
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not having spare
time
Use synonyms
 with
Use synonyms
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
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. what is more school activities
also
Linking Words
brings
Correct subject-verb agreement
bring
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 impact why
this
Linking Words
 issue cause. increasing academic and extracurricular lead young adults to share similar schedules and interests.
In addition
Linking Words
, activities between generations can make
time
Use synonyms
 with friends, more appealing, because it is more captivating to have
same
Correct article usage
the same
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 thoughts
to
Change preposition
as
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 what to do.
For instance
Linking Words
, discussing things about their
favorites
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favourites
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to
Change preposition
at
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 the same
age
Use synonyms
 may evaluate their dreams.
This
Linking Words
 could be a motivation to chase their future aims if there is someone who has some typical journey.
Likewise
Linking Words
, when
parents
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 do not have much
time
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 with kids
due to
Linking Words
 the job they do may lead
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
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emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
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 to sadness because they have nobody to ensure the
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
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dream
Correct subject-verb agreement
dreams
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. To draw, the conclusion,
parents
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 should be more pay attention to their
children
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 in order to build good
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
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 rather than force them to spend more and more
time
Use synonyms
 at home. There are no benefits if nobody at home
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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has great emotions with their
children
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 problem can bring awkwardness to individuals in the house.

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coherence cohesion
The essay provided a basic structure with identifiable paragraphs, but the organization could be improved. Sentences sometimes seem disconnected and transitions between ideas should be smoother for better logical flow. Consider using more cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs effectively.
task achievement
The essay addressed the topic but the response to the 'why' part of the question was superficial. Refrain from making general statements without backing them up with specific examples. Additionally, the second part of the task requires you to discuss whether parents should force children to spend more time at home. This point was not substantially covered. An examiner will look for a balanced answer that fully explores all parts of the prompt.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Digital connectivity
  • Peer interaction
  • Independence
  • Generational gap
  • Societal norms
  • Nuclear family
  • Extracurricular
  • Urbanization
  • Mobility
  • Social development
  • Counterproductive
  • Balanced lifestyle
  • Interpersonal relationships
  • Personal space
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