he bar chart below the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

he bar chart below the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart provides information on the
percentage
of Australian men’s and women’s Daily physical exercise in 2010. It can be clearly seen that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
for
Change preposition
aged
show examples
age
55 to 64
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
the highest
percentage
of daily exercise activity
To begin
with, the
percentage
of men doing daily exercise activity for the youngest
age
(15 to 24), was just over 52
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, but it plummeted to just over 42
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
in
group
Add an article
a group
the group
show examples
of
age
25 to 34.
This
figure
continued
Add the particle
continued to
show examples
fall slightly under 40
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
for the productive
age
.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
there was a
gradually
Change the word
gradual
show examples
increase to just over 43
percent
(45 to 54
years
old), 45
percent
(55 to 64
years
old) 46
percent
(55 to 64
years
old) respectively.
Secondly
, the
percentage
for the youngest women (15 to 24) was over 47
percent
and it continued
growth
Wrong verb form
to grow
show examples
slightly for
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
25 to 34 to just over 48
percent
. The
percentage
of 35 to
44 year old
Add a hyphen
44-year-old
show examples
rose significantly to just over 52
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, and the 45 to 54 group of
age
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
its
peaks
Fix the agreement mistake
peak
show examples
at 53.3
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
.
However
, the
percentage
of 55 to 64
years
old remained steady at 53
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. There was a
declined
Replace the word
decline
show examples
for 65 and over
age
to just over 46
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, age, percent, years with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 7 times.
Vocabulary: The word "just over" was used 6 times.
Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Australian men
  • Australian women
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participated
  • Increased
  • Decreased
  • Proportion
  • Physically active
  • Gender difference
  • Engaged
  • Exercise
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