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Writing Samples
Band 8.5

The chart below shows the proportions of graduates from Brighton University in 2019 entering different employment sectors. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the proportions of graduates from Brighton University in 2019 entering different employment sectors. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The pie chart illustrates the career choices in 9 different sectors of
students
Use synonyms
 who finished studying at Brighton University in 2019.
Overall
Linking Words
, the Service industry had the highest number of employees from Brighton University and manufacturing is the second place involving graduates from
this
Linking Words
 university.
In contrast
Linking Words
, Charity accounted for the lowest share.
According to
Linking Words
 the data, services industries had the highest proportion, occupying a third in 2019.
In addition
Linking Words
, three stages in average rate , namely manufacturing industry, Politics and government and Education were made up for 16.3%, 12.1%,
14.7
Correct word choice
and 14.7
show examples
 respectively. With respect to the remaining sorts of job choices, transportation and warehousing constituted 7.8% of
students
Use synonyms
 graduating ,
while
Linking Words
 Science technology slightly followed, a mere 7.3% of
students
Use synonyms
 who graduated at Brighton.
Besides
Linking Words
 that, Civil service reached 5.6% during the period.
Lastly
Linking Words
, the lowest proportions among 9 sectors were Sport and Charity, which comprised 0.1% and 0.3% of
students
Use synonyms
 entering.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words students with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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