IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The wealth of a nation is said to depend on the health of its citizens. Yet, in the modern knowledge-based economies of the world, education is more and more being seen as the main force in the development of all countries. In what extent do you agree or disagree?

#wealth #nation #health #citizens #knowledge-based #economies #world #education #force #development #countries
There is an opinion that says the
wealth
 of a country depends on its
citizens
Change to a genitive case
citizen's
citizens'
show examples
healthiness
Replace the word
health
show examples
.
However
, the newest economic paradigm perceived that
education
 plays the main role in the development of all countries. I strongly agree with the latter statement since
education
 can create a better generation to create
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sustainable
wealth
as well as
 make a healthier society.
This
 essay will shed some light on
this
 issue and the writer's point of view.
Firstly
, educating
people
 is the most effective way to improve
people
's quality of life since many will have a bigger picture about how they should live their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 in a better way.
For example
, the governor of West Nusa Tenggara, Indonesia has been giving a scholarship for their
people
 to study abroad in whatever major they would like to have.
In several
Change preposition
Several
show examples
 years later, it is proven that those graduates can create innovations for their hometown and improve the province's GDP.
This
 is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
clear
prove
Replace the word
proof
show examples
 that
education
 can lead to wealthiness in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
not only for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
educated
people
 but
also
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 surroundings.
Secondly
, by being exposed to more knowledge, individuals can create
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthier
circumtances
Correct your spelling
circumstances
 since they comprehensively acknowledge
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
what leads to a better quality of life. To illustrate
this
, some developing countries which
having
Change the form of the verb
have
show examples
 a stunting problems recently
increasing
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 the number of
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
 against stunting. They give information to pregnant
mom
Fix the agreement mistake
moms
show examples
 about the cause and effect of stunting.
As a result
,
this
 has been effectively declining the stunting cases, not only for
those educated mom
Change the determiner
that educated mom
those educated moms
show examples
 but
also
 for their future generation. It stands a reason,
therefore
, the more healthy the society is, the more they can afford
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
wealthyness
Correct your spelling
wealth
. To recapitulate it, I personally support the idea that
education
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 the main aspect that leads to
nation's
Correct article usage
a nation's
show examples
wealth
 because it creates a continuous
wealth
 generation
while
 at the same time fostering the individuals' health.
Submitted by maukaburtubel on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay presents an acceptable logical structure but can benefit from clearer transitions and a more explicit delineation between main points for improved readability and flow. Consider using varied transition phrases to guide the reader through the arguments more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, they could be strengthened. A stronger thesis statement in the introduction and a more decisive restatement of the main arguments in the conclusion would enhance their effectiveness.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but to improve, include more detailed examples and substantiate claims with data or references where possible to add depth to your analysis.
task achievement
You have addressed the task directly, indicating a clear position regarding the topic. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure that the essay addresses the prompt comprehensively. This includes fully exploring all parts of the statement and question. Aim for a balanced argument that weighs both sides, even when your opinion is strong.
task achievement
Your ideas are relevant, but they could be more clearly and comprehensively articulated. Work on developing each point with more precision and clarity. Avoid general statements and aim for specific, focused arguments and descriptions.
task achievement
You've provided examples, which is good. To improve, ensure these are both relevant and specific. Real-world statistics, studies, or case studies lend credibility to your arguments and illustrate your points more effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • wealth
  • nation
  • citizens
  • health
  • education
  • knowledge-based economies
  • development
  • force
  • agree
  • disagree
  • vital role
  • progress
  • interconnected
  • influence
  • investing
  • improved outcomes
  • acquire
  • skills
  • workforce
  • economic growth
  • participate
  • promotes
  • innovation
  • technological advancements
  • address
  • challenges
  • balanced investment
  • essential
What to do next:
Look at other essays: