IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people prefer to be in the same kind of job their entire life, but others like to change their jobs frequently. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #job #life #change #jobs
Some
people
 like to stick with the
one
job
 in their whole life,
while
 some individuals try to do various
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
.
This
 essay delves into reasons why
people
 choose to do different careers
while
 others prefer to do
one
job
 for a long time. In my opinion, trying to do different jobs would be more interesting. Some
people
 think that specializing
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
one
job
 for a long time is better.
This
 is because it offers to opportunity to deepen their skill
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their chosen
field
. It is beneficial for
people
 who have already found their true passion or purpose of living
what
Correct word choice
and what
show examples
 to do in the future. In
this
 case, most individuals work in their professional fields for a long time, and they can achieve success and have more income because they are
skilled
Correct quantifier usage
more skilled
show examples
 than others who are less experienced in
this
field
.
For example
,
famous
Correct article usage
a famous
show examples
 doctor earns around USD15K monthly in Mongolia, which is 10 times higher than
fresh
Add an article
a fresh
the fresh
show examples
 doctor who has 1-2 years’ experience.
Therefore
, some
people
 choose
this
 path because they think that specializing in
one
field
 and working all their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 is the basis for earning enough money for a good life.
On the other hand
, some
people
 often change their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 because they may not feel satisfaction from their
job
field
.
This
 perspective can be influenced by various reasons,
such
 as unsatisfactory wages, unfriendly workmates, or even
bored
Correct your spelling
boredom
show examples
.
For example
, I
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
changed my
job
 three times until
find
Change the verb form
finding
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 organization with
adequate
Correct article usage
an adequate
show examples
 salary and skilled colleagues that all inspired me.
Therefore
, in my opinion, trying to do
different
Correct article usage
a different
show examples
job
 is
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 choice for
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 who
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not happy with their recent position. There is always something we can do better in the world that
enlighten
Correct subject-verb agreement
enlightens
show examples
 us from
inside
Correct article usage
the inside
show examples
. The workplace is like
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 second home, as employees spend their most of lifetime.
Therefore
, if someone is not fulfilled with their
job
, it would be better to change their position. In my opinion, specializing
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 career pathway is suggested for
person
Add an article
a person
show examples
 who already has found their preferred work.
Conversely
, if workers are not pleased with their jobs, they should consider changing their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 until finding their inspiration.
Submitted by zayashdee on

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Introduction & Conclusion Improvement
Ensure that you clearly introduce your topic and provide a succinct thesis statement that outlines the key points you will discuss in your essay. Your current introduction is weak in offering a precise roadmap for the reader. Consider revising it to more clearly introduce both views and more explicitly state your own stance on the subject.
Logical Structure & Cohesion Enhancement
While you have attempted to structure your essay and present a logical flow of ideas, work on enhancing transitions between paragraphs and clarity in expressing your arguments. The logical progression could be more coherent with the use of cohesive devices.
Task Response & Idea Development
Your discussion addresses the task and offers some reasoning and examples. However, it would benefit from deeper analysis and further development of your own opinion throughout the essay, not just at the end. A more balanced and comprehensive discussion is required to achieve a higher band score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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