Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience
It is argued that every country should have obligatory military
program
for both men and women high school graduates. I completely disagree with Fix the agreement mistake
programs
this
opinion and think that it is better for people
to choose what they want to do in life.
First of all, I suppose that military
field is not everyone's passion. Military service requires Correct article usage
the military
people
to have a
great stamina and a strong physique, Remove the article
apply
while
not all people
enjoy doing the activities. There are various areas of jobs that emphasize on
different abilities, Change preposition
apply
such
as art, education, culinary, engineering, etc. For instance
, a psychologist is not likely to find an
enjoyment Remove the article
apply
by
being Change preposition
in
Change preposition
in an
an
army because in the psychology Correct article usage
the
world
it is more important to execute an emotional approach rather than Add a comma
world,
physical
attack. That's why it is necessary for Add an article
a physical
people
to choose their selected field.
Secondly
, ordering all citizens to be armies create
a sense of enforcement from the country. There will be a law that the nation made which regulates the Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
people
's responsibility to be a part of military aid. It is a possibility that when someone refuses to join the program, they are considered to be against the rule. This
is not in line with the freedom of choice of human
. Fix the agreement mistake
humans
For example
, men in South Korea will be prisoned
if they do not participate in the armed Verb problem
imprisoned
force
. The punishment given will make the state's regulation Fix the agreement mistake
forces
seems
like a compulsion. Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
Hence
, the effectivity
of the program is questionable.
Replace the word
effectiveness
To sum up
, I strongly believe that military work shouldn't be required in every country since it's not everyone's enthusiasm and it makes people
feel constrained.Submitted by iamthenextawardee on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
The essay does not fully answer the prompt as it leans heavily towards disagreeing without acknowledging the opposing viewpoint. In an IELTS essay, you should cover all aspects of the question.
coherence cohesion
The essay structure needs to be more balanced with clear and distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and be elaborately discussed.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant but they could be developed further to strengthen your argument. Consider incorporating a wider range of examples and making sure they support your main points directly.
coherence cohesion
While some basic linking phrases are used, the overall cohesion could be improved with a better range of discourse markers and clear logical relationships between ideas.