IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number,...) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #information #address #telephone #activities #networks #purposes #development
Personal
information
 becomes more important in our daily activities for many purposes,
such
 as interacting
in
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on
show examples
 social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
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 and accessing financial transactions.
However
, some people argue that providing personal
information
 online can be a form of setback.
This
 essay will examine reasons why putting personal
information
in
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on
show examples
internet
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the internet
show examples
 should be considered as
positive
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a positive
show examples
 improvement.
Firstly
, individual
information
 clears doubt
on
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about
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anonimity
Correct your spelling
anonymity
. For several years, it
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 comfortable for some groups to interact without identity. Yet, because of the rising rate of cyber crimes, I believe people should be held liable for every action they do
in
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on
show examples
internet
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the internet
show examples
, just like human behaviour in
real
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the real
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 world which is punishable by law.
For example
, people who commit defamation
in
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on
show examples
internet
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the internet
show examples
,
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apply
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 should be responsible for material loss encountered by
counterparty
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the counterparty
a counterparty
show examples
.
Secondly
, online
information
 provides collective
data
 for marketing. By giving
a
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apply
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certain
data
,
market
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the market
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 will perceive individuals as potential buyers. But, is
also
 undeniable that the concern about
data
 security
also
 creates heated discussions.
For instance
, a woman put her
data
in
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on
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 a website
while
 the platform
is
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was
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 unsafe from
cyber-attack
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cyber-attacks
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 which
cause
Wrong verb form
caused
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 her
data
 taken by
third
Correct article usage
a third
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 party.
Overall
, individual
information
 submission to online
platform
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platforms
show examples
 is clearly beneficial to supervise potential crime
while
also
it becomes
Wrong verb form
becoming
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 a source of
a
Correct article usage
apply
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future profit.
Therefore
,
by
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apply
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putting personal
information
in
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on
show examples
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 is a positive improvement
than
Rephrase
rather than
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drawback
Add an article
a drawback
show examples
.
Submitted by imsarunn on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear logical flow from the introduction through to the conclusion. Each paragraph should contain one main idea supported by relevant details and examples.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices appropriately to help the reader navigate through your ideas and ensure paragraphs are well-organized and clearly divided.
task achievement
When addressing the task, it is important to cover all parts of the prompt fully. You should not only explain the development but also discuss its implications, benefits, and potential drawbacks in a balanced way, providing a reasoned conclusion.
task achievement
It is critical to develop clear and comprehensive ideas within your essay. The points should be supported by concrete evidence or examples, and these should be pertinent to the question asked.
task achievement
Specific examples are essential in illustrating your points and making your argument more compelling. These examples should be directly relevant to the topic and clearly explained, showing how they support your viewpoint.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal information
  • Online privacy
  • Security concerns
  • Identity theft
  • Enhanced connectivity
  • Convenient access
  • Social networks
  • Banking purposes
  • Positive development
  • Negative impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: