Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #activities #children’s #development #computer #games

Numerous people argue that outdoor

activities

will bring a lot of benefits for

children

's development than playing

computer

games

. I agree

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

because

computer

games

will bring a lot of negative effects on

children

's growth. There are many factors which influence my point of view, where from the outdoor

activities

children

could be socially active.

This

means toddlers can socialize with other

children

and be aware of their surroundings.

Moreover

, outdoor activity can contribute to their health,

due to

the fact that

this

activity could move their bodies and expose them to sunlight

that is

good for their physic.

For instance

children

who spend their time playing in outdoor

activities

can make more friends rather than those who spend in the house playing

computer

games

Furthermore

, playing

computer

games

could bring drawbacks to

children

's development. When

children

stay on the

computer

for a long time it could lead to their health condition.

For example

, eyes can get tired or even hurt, their bodies are

also

not moved which is not good for their lifestyle.

Likewise

children

can not make and interact with new people which will affect their sense of belonging and their ability to be more sociable.

Hence

, these are not good for

children

's growth. On balance, there are arguments that

computer

games

also

Add a missing verb

are also

show examples

needed for

children

to stay entertained.

However

this

must be fully controlled by the parents.

To conclude

, outdoor

activities

can contribute positively to

children

's development through actively sociable and

for

Change preposition

apply

show examples

maintaining their health.

Besides

computer

games

could have negative effects on

children

's growth.

Nevertheless

, sometimes

this

also

needed for

children

to be entertained.

Submitted by izzahayuni85 on Sun Jan 21 2024

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task achievement

Make sure your introduction clearly states whether you agree or disagree, and ideally outline the main points you will discuss.

coherence and cohesion

Organize your essay into clear paragraphs including an introduction, at least two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and follow logically from the previous one.

task achievement

Support your main points with more detailed and specific examples. Rather than making general statements, give concrete examples that vividly illustrate your arguments.

coherence and cohesion

To improve coherence, use a range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and across paragraphs.

coherence and cohesion

Reiterate your stance in the conclusion and summarize the main points of your argument, ensuring your essay has a sense of closure.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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14Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

268 words

5.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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