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Writing Samples
Band 5

An increase in production of consumer goods results in damaging the environment. What are the causes of this and give a possible solution

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The production of consumer goods is having an increasing number of harmful impacts on the environment. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will elucidate the factors that contribute towards environmental damage and propose some solutions to them. The root cause of the environmental issues is mostly associated with the consumer goods industry. A massive production or industrial process of goods requires a lot of
energy
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, and mostly coal-based
source
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sources
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 because it is cheap and efficient.
However
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, coal-based
energy
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 produces
carbon
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 emissions which could deteriorate air pollution. Climate change
as
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is
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 an example,
carbon
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 emissions are the biggest factor towards
this
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 problem. One of the impacts on the earth is the rising degree of
earth's
Correct article usage
the earth's
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 temperature reached 1.5 compared with the industrialisation era.
Additionally
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, the liquid waste
that
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apply
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produced by industries is
also
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 detrimental to the environment, especially water sources.
Therefore
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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special water treatment is required for the industries before they
disposed
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are disposed
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 of. Several solutions can be taken to heal our earth from many breakages made by humans. The actions can be divided into preventive and corrective.
Firstly
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, preventive action can be implemented and
initially
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by
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apply
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the government make a regulation for the industry to start shifting the use of renewable
energy
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. To illustrate, in 2023, the Ministry of Environment of Indonesia, had a policy on the
carbon
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 market which gave an incentive for companies that changed their
energy
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 source from solar or wind power.
Secondly
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, the corrective action
can
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that can
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 be considered as the solution is corporate social responsibility (CSR) actions that should be done by the corporation as a compulsory task. Take cleaning
river
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rivers
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 as an instance, help to clean up the trash in the river and prevent it
to
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from
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 causing
the
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apply
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flood
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floods
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. In conclusion, the causes of environmental damage are
carbon
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 emissions and waste
that
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apply
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produced by the companies.
This
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 essay suggested the solution to
this
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 problem is twofold: renewable
energy
Use synonyms
 shifting and CSR.

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coherence cohesion
Be sure to carefully structure your essay with clear and distinct paragraphs, each one focusing on a separate point or idea. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to ensure smooth transitions between these paragraphs, enhancing the overall flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are identifiable, which is good. However, make sure you restate your thesis in the conclusion clearly, summarizing your main points and the solutions offered succinctly to reinforce your argument.
coherence cohesion
Each main point that you introduce should have a clear explanation and, when possible, be supported by specific examples or evidence. Aim to develop each point fully before moving on to the next.
task achievement
You have completed the task by addressing causes and solutions to the environmental issues from the production of consumer goods. To enhance your score, ensure that you discuss these in greater depth, providing a more thorough analysis of causes and a broader range of potential solutions.
task achievement
Strive for clarity in expressing your ideas. Your writing should consistently convey your message comprehensively, leaving no room for ambiguity. This can also include ensuring your examples and arguments relate directly to the topic without digressing.
task achievement
Make use of relevant, specific examples to substantiate your points. While general examples are acceptable, providing more detailed and specific cases or statistics can help strengthen the impact of your argument and showcase your understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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