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Writing Samples
Band 5

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #changes #percentage #people #australia #town #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 the numbers of
people
Use synonyms
 who live in urban,rural and town, whether they were born in
Australia
Use synonyms
 or outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 from 1995 to 2010 in percentage.
At
Change preposition
In
show examples
 1995
people
Use synonyms
 who were born in
Australia
Use synonyms
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
lived
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
cities
Use synonyms
, about 50
Use synonyms
person
Change to a plural noun
people
show examples
, And about 30
Use synonyms
person
Change to a plural noun
people
show examples
 were lived
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Rural areas,
as well as
Linking Words
 20
Use synonyms
person
Change to a plural noun
people
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
towns
Use synonyms
.
For
Change preposition
Of
show examples
people
Use synonyms
borned
Correct your spelling
born
 outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 most of them live in
cities
Use synonyms
 about 60
Use synonyms
person
Change to a plural noun
people
show examples
, 40
Use synonyms
person
Change to a plural noun
people
show examples
lived
Wrong verb form
live
show examples
 in rural
ereas
Correct your spelling
areas
 and about 10 persons at rowns.
At
Change preposition
In
show examples
 2010 about 65
person
Use synonyms
 lived in
cities
Use synonyms
 from
people
Use synonyms
 who were born in
Australia
Use synonyms
,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
80
person
Use synonyms
 from
people
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
were born outside
Australia
Use synonyms
,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
about 15
Use synonyms
person
Change to a plural noun
people
show examples
 who were born in
Australia
Use synonyms
 lived in
towns
Use synonyms
 and rural areas,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
about 10 persons lived in
towns
Use synonyms
 were
borned
Correct your spelling
born
 outside
Australia
Use synonyms
, and about 5 persons in rural areas. So
people
Use synonyms
 used to love living in
cities
Use synonyms
 and still
liking
Wrong verb form
like
show examples
 to live
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
cities
Use synonyms
, and they used to live
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 rural
ereas
Correct your spelling
areas
 and
towns
Use synonyms
 a lot but in 2010 they started to be less.
Submitted by Daniamoh05 on

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Linking words: Add more linking words.
▼
Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, australia, cities, person, towns with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 8 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Demographic
  • Trends
  • Urban areas
  • Rural areas
  • Town
  • Native-born
  • Foreign-born
  • Migration patterns
  • Economic factors
  • Government policies
  • Increase
  • Decrease
  • Steady
  • Peak
  • Trough
  • Time frame
  • Significant changes
  • Distribution
  • Notable
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