IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits.

#years #interest #relationship #equality #achievement #people #individuals #societies #levels #merits
An egalitarian
society
 is one in which everyone has the same rights and opportunities. I agree that
people
 can achieve more in
this
 kind of
society
. Education is an essential factor in personal
success
 in life. All children should have access to free schooling, and higher education should be either free or affordable for those pursuing a university degree. In a
society
 without free schooling or affordable higher education, only children and young adults from wealthier families would have access to the best learning opportunities and be better prepared for the job market.
This
 kind of inequality would ensure the
success
 of some but harm the prospects of others. I argue that equal rights and opportunities do not conflict with
people
's freedom to succeed or fail.
In other words
, equality does not mean
people
 lose their motivation to succeed or are not allowed to fail.
On the contrary
, most
people
 would feel more motivated to work hard and reach their potential if they thought that they lived in a fair
society
. Those who did not make the same effort would know they had wasted their opportunity.
On the other hand
, inequality would be more likely to demotivate
people
 because they would know that the odds of
success
 were stacked in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of privileged backgrounds. In conclusion, there is a positive relationship between equality and personal
success
. in
this
 essay,
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 scale of band 9, in
IELTS
Correct article usage
the IELTS
show examples
 writing task, how much will I get?
Submitted by aamenis on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Strengthen Task Achievement by addressing both views presented in the prompt more clearly and comparably.
Task Achievement
Improve clarity by structuring paragraphs better and ensuring each has a clear main idea with adequate support.
Task Achievement
Provide more relevant, detailed examples to substantiate your points for an improved score in Task Achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence by linking ideas more smoothly and using a wider range of cohesive devices.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that main points are well supported with detailed explanations and examples to improve score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!