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Writing Samples
Band 5

advantages and disadvantages of playing video games for children

#video #games #children
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In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, with the advancement in
the
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apply
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technology we can see that
the
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apply
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video
games
Use synonyms
 become
the
Change the article
an
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 integral part of today's generation.
The digital
Correct article usage
Digital
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games
Use synonyms
 are beneficial for kids in many ways
such
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 as in improving cognitive skills
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whereas
Correct word choice
apply
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it
also
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effects
Verb problem
affect
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 their health as well. In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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i
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I
show examples
 will discuss both the pros and cons of
this
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 ongoing trend in detail. To commence with,there are ample number of benefits of playing online
games
Use synonyms
 but the most prominent one is cognitive skills.It is undeniable that
the
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apply
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computerized
games
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helps
Change the verb form
help
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 to
sharp
Replace the word
sharpen
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 the brain skills of
the
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apply
show examples
children's
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children
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 by doing multiple tasks in the game at
a
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apply
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one
time
Use synonyms
.
For example
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: some
games
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includes
Change the verb form
include
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 analysing and
take
Wrong verb form
taking
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decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
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with in
Correct your spelling
within
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 a stipulated
time
Use synonyms
 period.
Moreover
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,
playstation
Correct your spelling
PlayStation
games
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 open the gates for their career as well in the form of becoming online
gamer
Fix the agreement mistake
gamers
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 in future.By
this
Linking Words
i
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I
show examples
 mean, the most intelligent child in
games
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 could create their own page on
you tube
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youtube
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 and earn millions.
However
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, we cannot ignore the pitfalls of
this
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 entertainment as it
have
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has
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a detrimental effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
a detrimental effect
detrimental effects
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 on the health of
gamer
Fix the agreement mistake
gamers
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 in the form of
Correct your spelling
diseases
diseses
Correct your spelling
diseases
such
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 as obesity, myopia and so on.
Because when
Correct word choice
When
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 pupils spend
enormous
Add an article
an enormous
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 amount of
time
Use synonyms
 on screen
games
Use synonyms
 they
did
Wrong verb form
do
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 not get
time
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 for physical movement
as a result
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 there are more chances of obesity in them.
In addition
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, sometimes weaker students cannot get the proper attention from their peers when they are busy
in
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apply
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playing
games
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 which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not only results in loneliness but
also
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break
Correct subject-verb agreement
breaks
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 down their bonding as well. In conclusion,
although
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 paying more attention to
such
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type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
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 of
games
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 is fruitful in the development of
brain
Add an article
the brain
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, it creates
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
problems in the health of
individual
Add an article
an individual
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 which cannot be ignored as it will be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
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 their life in
coming
Correct article usage
the coming
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time
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by sunnygarg710 on

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task achievement
Develop your ideas more thoroughly to create a more convincing argument. While you touched upon factors like cognitive skills and the risks of obesity, providing more depth and specific examples could strengthen the essay.
task achievement
Be cautious with spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Review your work to avoid simple errors such as 'diseses' should be 'diseases,' and phrases such as 'the computerized games helps to sharp' should be revised to 'computerized games help to sharpen.',
coherence cohesion
Enhance the coherence of your essay by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas. Also, paragraph structuring can be improved to make the progression of ideas clearer and more logical.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are fully developed. Both should clearly indicate the essay's direction and the introduction should lead smoothly into the body, while the conclusion should succinctly summarize the main points without introducing new information.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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