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Band 5

advantages and disadvantages of playing video games for children

#video #games #children
In
this
 contemporary era, with the advancement in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology we can see that
the
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apply
show examples
video
games
 become
the
Change the article
an
show examples
 integral part of today's generation.
The digital
Correct article usage
Digital
show examples
games
 are beneficial for kids in many ways
such
 as in improving cognitive skills
whereas
Correct word choice
apply
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it
also
effects
Verb problem
affect
show examples
 their health as well. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will discuss both the pros and cons of
this
 ongoing trend in detail. To commence with,there are ample number of benefits of playing online
games
 but the most prominent one is cognitive skills.It is undeniable that
the
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apply
show examples
computerized
games
helps
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help
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 to
sharp
Replace the word
sharpen
show examples
 the brain skills of
the
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apply
show examples
children's
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children
show examples
 by doing multiple tasks in the game at
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one
time
.
For example
: some
games
includes
Change the verb form
include
show examples
 analysing and
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
with in
Correct your spelling
within
show examples
 a stipulated
time
 period.
Moreover
,
playstation
Correct your spelling
PlayStation
games
also
 open the gates for their career as well in the form of becoming online
gamer
Fix the agreement mistake
gamers
show examples
 in future.By
this
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 mean, the most intelligent child in
games
 could create their own page on
you tube
Correct your spelling
youtube
show examples
 and earn millions.
However
, we cannot ignore the pitfalls of
this
 entertainment as it
have
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has
show examples
a detrimental effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
a detrimental effect
detrimental effects
show examples
 on the health of
gamer
Fix the agreement mistake
gamers
show examples
 in the form of
Correct your spelling
diseases
diseses
Correct your spelling
diseases
such
 as obesity, myopia and so on.
Because when
Correct word choice
When
show examples
 pupils spend
enormous
Add an article
an enormous
show examples
 amount of
time
 on screen
games
 they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not get
time
 for physical movement
as a result
 there are more chances of obesity in them.
In addition
, sometimes weaker students cannot get the proper attention from their peers when they are busy
in
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apply
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playing
games
 which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not only results in loneliness but
also
break
Correct subject-verb agreement
breaks
show examples
 down their bonding as well. In conclusion,
although
 paying more attention to
such
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
games
 is fruitful in the development of
brain
Add an article
the brain
show examples
, it creates
the
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apply
show examples
problems in the health of
individual
Add an article
an individual
show examples
 which cannot be ignored as it will be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their life in
coming
Correct article usage
the coming
show examples
time
.
Submitted by sunnygarg710 on

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task achievement
Develop your ideas more thoroughly to create a more convincing argument. While you touched upon factors like cognitive skills and the risks of obesity, providing more depth and specific examples could strengthen the essay.
task achievement
Be cautious with spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Review your work to avoid simple errors such as 'diseses' should be 'diseases,' and phrases such as 'the computerized games helps to sharp' should be revised to 'computerized games help to sharpen.',
coherence cohesion
Enhance the coherence of your essay by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas. Also, paragraph structuring can be improved to make the progression of ideas clearer and more logical.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are fully developed. Both should clearly indicate the essay's direction and the introduction should lead smoothly into the body, while the conclusion should succinctly summarize the main points without introducing new information.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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