IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. What are some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and what are some problems that may result from this situation Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#world #computers #jobs #job #positions #situation
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It can't be denied that the rapid advancement of technology is inevitable. Unfortunately,
gadget
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gadgets
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such
 as
computer
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computers
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has
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have
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 affected people in order for them to get a job. As of now, many occupations are replaceable
due to
 the improvement of computers, resulting
a
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in a
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smaller chance for individuals to gain money. The occupations that may be lost because of computers are accountant and consultant. Both positions require
high order
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high-order
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 thinking skills of humans, but
the
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apply
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Artificial
Intellegence
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intelligence
 (AI)
also
 has the brain to construct
a
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apply
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logical and critical thinking.
For instance
, the company may just send a prompt of their problem to the AI, and in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 blink of an eye, it will answer smartly.
Additionally
, the replacement of computers may
rise
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raise
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another problems
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another problem
other problems
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 aside
of
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from
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 the
lost
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loss
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 of jobs,
such
 as
the
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apply
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poverty
. The issue of
poverty
 stems from civilians who cannot earn
salary
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a salary
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for
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on
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daily
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a daily
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 basis, making them poor and
cause
Wrong verb form
causing
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 the need
of
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for
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 the help of the government.
However
, there are thousands of
cizitens
Correct your spelling
citizens
 who need
the
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apply
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help from the country's
finance
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finances
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 because numerous jobs are being replaced.
Hence
, the number of
poverty
 will be increased globally. In sum, rapid changes
of
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in
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 technology
has
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have
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take
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taken
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 over people's jobs.
For example
, the positions of accountant and consultant.
Further
,
poverty
 may arise because the citizens won't be able to earn money.
Submitted by asmaningrum2125 on

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task achievement
Your essay mentions some relevant job roles that might be replaced by computers, such as accountants and consultants. However, to enhance the task achievement score, it would be beneficial to develop the ideas further and explain in more depth why these specific roles are at risk, maybe mentioning advancements in accounting software or AI consultancy algorithms. Moreover, providing personal or known real-world examples to illustrate your points would greatly strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates an attempt at a logical structure, but the coherence could be improved by providing clearer transitions between points, using a wider range of linking words and phrases. Additionally, there could be more emphasis on the flow from one idea to the next. Consider revisiting the introduction and conclusion to ensure they are comprehensive and effectively frame the discussion. Elaborating on your introduction with a clearer thesis statement and offering a more detailed summarization or implications in your conclusion could make the essay more impactful.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • technologically advanced
  • replace
  • automated systems
  • efficiency
  • cost-effective
  • repetitive tasks
  • robots
  • AI-powered
  • virtual assistants
  • self-driving vehicles
  • widely adopted
  • administrative roles
  • scheduling
  • communication
  • organizational tasks
  • job displacement
  • economic impact
  • unemployment
  • reskilling
  • upskilling
  • workforce transition
  • digital economy
  • technological unemployment
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