IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. What are some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and what are some problems that may result from this situation Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#world #computers #jobs #job #positions #situation
It can't be denied that the rapid advancement of technology is inevitable. Unfortunately,
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
such
 as
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 affected people in order for them to get a job. As of now, many occupations are replaceable
due to
 the improvement of computers, resulting
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
smaller chance for individuals to gain money. The occupations that may be lost because of computers are accountant and consultant. Both positions require
high order
Add a hyphen
high-order
show examples
 thinking skills of humans, but
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Artificial
Intellegence
Correct your spelling
intelligence
 (AI)
also
 has the brain to construct
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
logical and critical thinking.
For instance
, the company may just send a prompt of their problem to the AI, and in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 blink of an eye, it will answer smartly.
Additionally
, the replacement of computers may
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
another problems
Replace the adjective
another problem
other problems
show examples
 aside
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the
lost
Replace the word
loss
show examples
 of jobs,
such
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poverty
. The issue of
poverty
 stems from civilians who cannot earn
salary
Add an article
a salary
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
 basis, making them poor and
cause
Wrong verb form
causing
show examples
 the need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the help of the government.
However
, there are thousands of
cizitens
Correct your spelling
citizens
 who need
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
help from the country's
finance
Fix the agreement mistake
finances
show examples
 because numerous jobs are being replaced.
Hence
, the number of
poverty
 will be increased globally. In sum, rapid changes
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technology
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
take
Change the verb form
taken
show examples
 over people's jobs.
For example
, the positions of accountant and consultant.
Further
,
poverty
 may arise because the citizens won't be able to earn money.
Submitted by asmaningrum2125 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay mentions some relevant job roles that might be replaced by computers, such as accountants and consultants. However, to enhance the task achievement score, it would be beneficial to develop the ideas further and explain in more depth why these specific roles are at risk, maybe mentioning advancements in accounting software or AI consultancy algorithms. Moreover, providing personal or known real-world examples to illustrate your points would greatly strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates an attempt at a logical structure, but the coherence could be improved by providing clearer transitions between points, using a wider range of linking words and phrases. Additionally, there could be more emphasis on the flow from one idea to the next. Consider revisiting the introduction and conclusion to ensure they are comprehensive and effectively frame the discussion. Elaborating on your introduction with a clearer thesis statement and offering a more detailed summarization or implications in your conclusion could make the essay more impactful.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: