IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Employers should ensure that there are equal numbers of males and females in managerial posts in company. What extend do you agree or disagree?

#employers #numbers #males #females #posts #company
Society
 often
claim
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claims
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 whether
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
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 should keep up the equal numbers of genders who pretend to occupy high-level positions in a company.
While
 there are many reasons to embrace
such
idea
Correct article usage
an idea
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, personally I firmly disagree with
this
 viewpoint, outlining it below. Living in a modern world presumes to avoid any sign of discrimination, which often had a place in
a
Correct article usage
the
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last
 decade.
For
this
 reason, authorities undertake many requirements for
society
 in terms of providing equal opportunity to
labor
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labour
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 and
a
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apply
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fair payment for all workers. In fact, over time,
this
 was transformed into a rule to ensure
equality
 between genders in
a
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the
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 workplace, making their personal talents and unique skills secondary valued in comparison with their gender. Taking it
to
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into
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 account, I believe that the question about
capacity
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the capacity
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 to obtain
managerial
Correct article usage
a managerial
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 position should be considered only through
individual’s
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an individual’s
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 proficiency, experience and education.
In addition
, advocating for equal numbers of men and women at
a
Correct article usage
apply
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work does not promote
this
 desirable
equality
 and may well turn
society
 to pay attention to their own biases of particular gender as it already had been before.
However
, here is one
features
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feature
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 regarding
female
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females
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 that should be applied eventually. Namely, it would be fair to foresee stricter guarantees to secure
female’s
Correct article usage
a female’s
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 own post in a period of her motherhood or giving
a
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apply
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birth. In
this
 case, employers could promote
a
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apply
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real
equality
 between genders, but in terms of human natural features that cannot be changed.
To conclude
, I firmly believe that top positions should be taken by professionals independently
on
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of
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 their own sex as it might well continue long-term gender discrimination in
a
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apply
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society
.
However
, the greatest criteria which could fairly enhance
labor
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labour
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equality
 lies
on
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in
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 personal proficiency and skilled background.
Submitted by Viktoriia.plat on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that ideas flow logically from one to the next, with clear connections and paragraphing to structure the argument more effectively. Aim for smooth transitions that help guide the reader through your points.
Task Response
There is a clear position throughout the response, but the development of ideas could be more fully extended with more detailed examples and explanations to support your arguments. Aim to balance the abstract with concrete specifics.
Task Response
Include relevant examples to support the main points in your essay. This strengthens your argument and demonstrates a broad understanding of the topic.
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