IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase, it has stopped working.You have spoken to the company representative a week ago but it has still not been repaired. Write a letter to the company. In your letter, - introduce yourself - explain the situation - say what action you would like the company to take. You should write at least 150 words.

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Dear Sir or Madam, I hope
this
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 letter finds you in good health. My name is Jinal Patel, and I have been a regular customer of your company
from
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for
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last
Correct article usage
the last
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 two years. The purpose of my correspondence today is to formally convey my dissatisfaction with your company. To elaborate on my situation, I recently purchased
a
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an
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 XYZ mobile phone in model number 95 from your shop to gift my wife on her birthday;
however
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, after using it for two days suddenly it stopped working.
Therefore
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, l have
also
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 complained
your
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to your
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 company representative, but their response was not really satisfying.
Nevertheless
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, he has not provided me
any
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with any
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 updates
of
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on
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 my product's repair. Being a loyal patron least I deserve is to get proper updates
of
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on
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 my product. Alternatively, if the problem with the phone is not solvable, I want a new mobile in
same
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the same
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 model. If nothing of
above
Correct article usage
the above
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 is possible, I want complete remuneration. I will greatly appreciate your prompt response and swift action
to
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on
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this
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 matter. Awaiting your response. Yours Faithfully, Jinal Patel

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coherence cohesion
Ensure there is a clear logical structure to the letter by organizing the information and ideas into clear, cohesive paragraphs. While you have included all the necessary information, it could have better clarity with a more deliberate arrangement, such as separate paragraphs for introduction, the problem description, and the required action.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly and show the relationship between your sentences and paragraphs more clearly.
task achievement
Make sure to address all parts of the task. You have covered the main points, but including more detail on the initial purchase and specific past communication with the representative might enrich the response.
task achievement
Adopt a tone suitable for a formal letter. While the tone is mostly appropriate, using phrases like 'least I deserve' may come across as slightly confrontational. Aim for a more formal and polite tone throughout to reflect the seriousness of your concerns.
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