Some people think that the government should fund music, dance and arts lessons for children. Others think that they should be funded by private businesses or by children's families. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
No one can deny that the
arts
Change the noun form
art
lessons
serve a great purpose in life same goes for academic education.However
, an argument is rising among the public on whether the government or private sector and the children's families should be the ones that are funding the arts
, music and dance programs.In this
essay, I will discuss both views and give you my opinion.
To begin
with, the government funds for the arts
sessions are important to the youngsters because this
will encourage them to develop more sense of the arts
and cultural development. Moreover
, this
will ensure equal access to the arts
class for all Change the noun form
art
the
boys and girls across all socio-economic Correct article usage
apply
bacgrounds
.Correct your spelling
backgrounds
For example
, the ministry that promotes arts
projects also
reflects the importance of balanced education to them and the enrichment values in the arts
.
On the other hand
, the parents and private businesses should also
funds
the Change the verb form
fund
arts
Change the noun form
art
lessons
because this
not only shows the parent's support for their kids but also
may enhance the learning experience and lead to all excellence in the arts
.Despite the funding , it may result in unequal access to the arts
class.For example
,wealthy families will have more opportunities to explore in
the Change preposition
apply
arts
lessons
compared to poor families because of the expensive tuition fees required.
In conclusion,the arts
lessons
help the offspring to become more creative and passionate about the heritage of the arts
. Therefore
, in my opinion, both sources of funding have merits, but a hybrid approach that combines both party supports could bring more equitable results.Submitted by tifjong on
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Structure
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Cohesion
Work on creating stronger links between your ideas to ensure the essay flows well. Transitions between paragraphs and ideas should be smooth to guide the reader through your argument effectively.
Introduction & Conclusion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, they need to be more impactful. Make a stronger initial statement of the issues and a definitive final opinion in your conclusion, summarizing the main ideas presented in the body of the essay.
Task Response
Your essay needs to fully respond to all parts of the task. While you do discuss both views, ensure you explore them equally and more comprehensively, providing more depth to each perspective.
Idea Development
Develop your ideas more fully, providing clearer and more comprehensive explanations for each view. Ensure each paragraph fully explains and develops the main point introduced.
Examples
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support each view. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing. Use examples that directly relate to the points you're making and explain how they support your view.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.