Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobsfor personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Today it is
common
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a common

The noun phrase common belief seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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belief that there are some
requierments
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requirements

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to mention
about
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apply

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private
information
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

when applying for
job
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the job
a job

The noun phrase job seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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whilst some think that it is not
neccessary
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necessary

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. I firmly believe that it is totally appropriate for employers to be aware of
social
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the social

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characteristics of their employees. Both views will be discussed in
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essay. On the one hand, every
potentional
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potential

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worker has own
rights
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right

It seems that rights may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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to protect private
life
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

and to keep certain
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds

It seems that kind may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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of
information
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

confidentially
Change the word
confidential

Confidentially seems to be the wrong part of speech for this context.

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. There are some considerable reasons
by
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apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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which
Correct word choice
why

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

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individuals prefer not to share about their maternal status,
for instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

.
Furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it should be emphasized that some individuals can be with
introversial
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controversial
introversion

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traits of character, who find
Correct pronoun usage
it unneccessary
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Correct pronoun usage
it unneccessary

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unneccessary
Correct your spelling
unnecessary
to declare their hobbies and interests. To give
illustration
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an illustration

The noun phrase illustration seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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, there are
numereous
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numerous

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successfull
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successful

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personalities, who keep their personal
life
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

private and lead
confidentional
Correct your spelling
confidential
conventional

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lifestyle.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, one should not forget that every organization should be aware of additional
information
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

about their employees in case of accidents and it is significant for both sides, especially in safety
procautions
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precautions

If you don’t want procautions to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, some
information
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

about hobbies and interests can play
crucial
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a crucial

The noun phrase crucial role seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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role in
social
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the social

The noun phrase social life seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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life
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

of workers within their organization.
Besides
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is a great opportunity for workers to make friends based on common interests and hobbies and even to involve family members in
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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social events in the framework of
workplace
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the workplace

The noun phrase workplace seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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.
In addition
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there are some
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds

It seems that kind may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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of jobs
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as related to
Correct article usage
the miliitary
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Correct article usage
the miliitary

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miliitary
Correct your spelling
military
or media, which might require to move to
another locations
Replace the adjective
another location
other locations

The adjective another appears to be modifying the plural noun locations. Consider replacing it with the adjective other.

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and in
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

cases single workers are welcomed more. It may be concluded from
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essay, that despite the fact that every worker owns rights
for
Change preposition
to

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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private
life
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

, it is much more crucial to mention additional personal
information
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma before the dependent clause marker when. Consider removing the comma.

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when enrolling
a
Change preposition
on a

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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new job
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma before the dependent clause marker because. Consider removing the comma.

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because
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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outwheigh
Correct your spelling
outweigh

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drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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in
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

given topic.

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Introduction Improvement
Make sure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance on it. While your introduction outlines the discussion, it could be more explicitly stated.
Coherence Improvement
Improve coherence by linking ideas more effectively using a range of cohesive devices. While your essay has structure, transitions between points could be smoother for enhanced readability.
Support Points
Develop your main points with more detailed examples. While you mention some reasons and consequences, providing specific, real-life instances can strengthen your argument.
Conclusion Improvement
Ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points and restates your opinion. Your conclusion does wrap up the essay, but refining it to more clearly reflect the essay's content and your viewpoint can make your argument more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural fit
  • team dynamics
  • company culture
  • integration
  • professional setting
  • leadership potential
  • personal commitments
  • discrimination
  • bias
  • professional abilities
  • qualifications
  • privacy invasion
  • negative perception
  • top talent
  • unconscious bias
  • legal liabilities
What to do next:
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