IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is true that
computer
Use synonyms
technology
Use synonyms
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
significantly altered individuals'
lives
Use synonyms
, including interaction with others, medical research and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
transport systems, yet it brings detrimental
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 to these fields. In my view, I completely agree that
heavily
Change the word
heavy
show examples
 dependence on
computer
Use synonyms
technology
Use synonyms
 would pose substantial risks. There is no denying that
computer
Use synonyms
technology
Use synonyms
 greatly improves our
lives
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, computers have diminished the geographical barriers
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 communication. A variety of social media and communication apps allow
people
Use synonyms
 to interact with each other in different places and even different countries.
This
Linking Words
 enhances individuals'
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
 and broadens their understanding with diverse insight.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
computer
Use synonyms
technology
Use synonyms
 has increased the efficiency and efficacy
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 medical research. Researchers can collect and analyse
data
Use synonyms
easier
Rephrase
more easily
show examples
 with the help of computers as more calculations or mistakes may be made by
people
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, navigation in the transport system has never been much easier with the assistance of satellites and maps.
However
Linking Words
, there are some risks when
people
Use synonyms
 are
over reliance
Add a hyphen
over-reliance
show examples
 on
computer
Use synonyms
technology
Use synonyms
.
Data
Use synonyms
 leakage will be one of the most dangerous
situation
Change to a plural noun
situations
show examples
, especially in
medical
Add an article
the medical
show examples
 field.
Data
Use synonyms
 leakage in medical companies may cause
data
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 new
medicine
Fix the agreement mistake
medicines
show examples
Fix the infinitive
to falls
show examples
falls
Correct subject-verb agreement
fall
show examples
 into the wrong
hand
Fix the agreement mistake
hands
show examples
, which may lead to an increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 drug crime in the world. Apart from that,
people
Use synonyms
's privacy may
also
Linking Words
 be harmed, as personal details are collected by others and cyberbullying worsens the case.
Besides
Linking Words
,
highly relying
Replace the word
high reliance
show examples
 on
computer
Use synonyms
technology
Use synonyms
 could cause trouble in
transport
Correct article usage
the transport
show examples
 system when the
system's
Change noun form
system
show examples
 breakdown.
For instance
Linking Words
, traffic
light
Fix the agreement mistake
lights
show examples
 will not function properly and wrong navigation of cars.
This
Linking Words
 causes severe road accidents and putting
people
Use synonyms
's
lives
Use synonyms
 at risk. In conclusion,
computer
Use synonyms
technology
Use synonyms
 has a great impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our
lives
Use synonyms
 and has made our
lives
Use synonyms
 more convenient.
While
Linking Words
 it has many advantages
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 many fields, we should be alert about our dependence on the
technology
Use synonyms
 as it will create a risky situation when we are highly
reliance
Replace the word
reliant
show examples
 on it.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and your standpoint. While your introduction did well in this aspect, enhancing it with a more concise thesis statement could improve clarity.
Task Achievement
Develop your body paragraphs by expanding on points with more specific and varied examples. This could involve drawing from real-life scenarios, studies, or well-known facts to make your argument more compelling and grounded.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on creating smoother transitions between ideas within paragraphs and sections. This can be achieved by using a variety of linking phrases and ensuring that each paragraph logically follows from the one before.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider a more detailed conclusion that not only summarizes the main points discussed but also reinforces your stance in a compelling manner. This can make your argument more memorable and persuasive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance
  • cybersecurity
  • over-reliance
  • digital divide
  • data breach
  • cyberbullying
  • diagnostic machines
  • electronic health records
  • automated vehicles
  • predictive maintenance
  • real-time monitoring
  • vulnerability
  • misinformation
  • hacking
  • efficiency
  • navigation systems
  • traditional skills
  • system failures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: