Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

It is true that
computer
technology
has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
significantly altered individuals'
lives
, including interaction with others, medical research and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
transport systems, yet it brings detrimental
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
to these fields. In my view, I completely agree that
heavily
Change the word
heavy
show examples
dependence on
computer
technology
would pose substantial risks. There is no denying that
computer
technology
greatly improves our
lives
.
Firstly
, computers have diminished the geographical barriers
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
communication. A variety of social media and communication apps allow
people
to interact with each other in different places and even different countries.
This
enhances individuals'
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
and broadens their understanding with diverse insight.
Secondly
,
computer
technology
has increased the efficiency and efficacy
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
medical research. Researchers can collect and analyse
data
easier
Rephrase
more easily
show examples
with the help of computers as more calculations or mistakes may be made by
people
.
Finally
, navigation in the transport system has never been much easier with the assistance of satellites and maps.
However
, there are some risks when
people
are
over reliance
Add a hyphen
over-reliance
show examples
on
computer
technology
.
Data
leakage will be one of the most dangerous
situation
Change to a plural noun
situations
show examples
, especially in
medical
Add an article
the medical
show examples
field.
Data
leakage in medical companies may cause
data
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
new
medicine
Fix the agreement mistake
medicines
show examples
Fix the infinitive
to falls
show examples
falls
Correct subject-verb agreement
fall
show examples
into the wrong
hand
Fix the agreement mistake
hands
show examples
, which may lead to an increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
drug crime in the world. Apart from that,
people
's privacy may
also
be harmed, as personal details are collected by others and cyberbullying worsens the case.
Besides
,
highly relying
Replace the word
high reliance
show examples
on
computer
technology
could cause trouble in
transport
Correct article usage
the transport
show examples
system when the
system's
Change noun form
system
show examples
breakdown.
For instance
, traffic
light
Fix the agreement mistake
lights
show examples
will not function properly and wrong navigation of cars.
This
causes severe road accidents and putting
people
's
lives
at risk. In conclusion,
computer
technology
has a great impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
our
lives
and has made our
lives
more convenient.
While
it has many advantages
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
many fields, we should be alert about our dependence on the
technology
as it will create a risky situation when we are highly
reliance
Replace the word
reliant
show examples
on it.
Submitted by katarinachiu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and your standpoint. While your introduction did well in this aspect, enhancing it with a more concise thesis statement could improve clarity.
Task Achievement
Develop your body paragraphs by expanding on points with more specific and varied examples. This could involve drawing from real-life scenarios, studies, or well-known facts to make your argument more compelling and grounded.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on creating smoother transitions between ideas within paragraphs and sections. This can be achieved by using a variety of linking phrases and ensuring that each paragraph logically follows from the one before.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider a more detailed conclusion that not only summarizes the main points discussed but also reinforces your stance in a compelling manner. This can make your argument more memorable and persuasive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance
  • cybersecurity
  • over-reliance
  • digital divide
  • data breach
  • cyberbullying
  • diagnostic machines
  • electronic health records
  • automated vehicles
  • predictive maintenance
  • real-time monitoring
  • vulnerability
  • misinformation
  • hacking
  • efficiency
  • navigation systems
  • traditional skills
  • system failures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: