IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The charts show information about percentage of men and women aged 60-90 who were employed in four countries in 1970-2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The charts show information about percentage of men and women aged 60-90 who were employed in four countries in 1970-2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.
#show #information #percentage #men #women #four #countries #summarise #features #comparisons
The bar graphs depict information regarding the proportion of
employment
, categorized by
sexes
Fix the agreement mistake
sex
show examples
 and
aged
Wrong verb form
ages
show examples
 between 60 and 90 years old in Belgium, the US, Japan and Indonesia between 1997 and 2000. The figures are measured in
percentages
.
Overall
, it is noticeable that more males than females
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 in
employment
 status in 1997 and 2000.
Moreover
, it is
also
 imperative to note that
employment
percentages
 between
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 sexes in Belgium in 2000
has
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 a great discrepancy. In 1997, not as many males as females had worked, with
discrepancy
Correct article usage
the discrepancy
show examples
 of the proportion between them
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a bit just under ten per cent in the US as opposed to the other countries, which had great differences
approximately
Change preposition
of approximately
show examples
 twenty per cent. In comparison with
this
, in 2000, the proportion of
employment
 status between males and females in Belgium was very different at about 51% and 8% respectively.
While
 the number of
percentages
 in both the USA and Indonesia had
also
 a big difference from 20% to 30%, there was a small
different
Replace the word
difference
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
percentages
 in Japan between
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 genders at just under five per cent.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words employment, percentages with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "differences" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "just under" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: