A faction of people hold the notion that employment in(?) not necessary if there is a stable income. I totally agree with this opinion as ample reasons to substantiate it. This essay will explain my view with relevant illustrations.

It is thought that if
people
would have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
a chance to choose a life with
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
or job-less options, many of them
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
prefer
unemployed
Correct article usage
an unemployed
show examples
life. I believe that
employment
is not necessary since there is a stable income.
This
essay will explain my viewpoint with relevant illustrations. First and foremost, one of the obvious stimulation for
employment
is remuneration.
In other words
,
people
have sufficient money for their living expenses they are not required to work for a living
instead
they can pursue their dreams
such
as travelling.
For example
, a young man from a reputed business family decided
for travelling
Change preposition
to travel
show examples
instead
of managing their family business.
Besides
,
employment
may
be caused
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
physical issues and mental issues. To exemplify, It is believed that 40% of the workforce around the world
have
Verb problem
is
show examples
suffering from various kinds of stress.
As a result
, the well-being of
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
would
inversely
Add a missing verb
be inversely
show examples
affected by routine
employment
.
Furthermore
, several
people
around the world prefer to do voluntary work rather than doing lucrative jobs. In detail,
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
employment
might provide financial security which would not be sufficient for
self satisfaction
Add a hyphen
self-satisfaction
show examples
,
therefore
, several
people
decide to do voluntary
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
for poor countries
instead
of spending
throughout
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
in the corporate business world.
Similarly
, a
factionof
Correct your spelling
faction of
fraction of
people
holds
Change the verb form
hold
show examples
the notion that
employment
is not vital for living. In detail, YouTube influencers are creating income
while
chasing their dreams. In conclusion, since
employment
causes physical and mental issues,
employment
is not necessary for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
who have a second income. Several
people
choose voluntary work
instead
lucreative
Correct your spelling
lucrative
job for self-satisfaction.
Submitted by ck.manshad on

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Introduction
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the main arguments you will present. Your introduction does a good job laying out the essay structure, but try to make your thesis statement more specific.
Clarity
Work on clarity and precision in your arguments. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is thoroughly explained and supported. Avoid general statements without specific examples or explanations.
Coherence/Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to show the relationships between your ideas and to help your essay flow better. While you have some cohesive devices, varying your language more would improve readability.
Examples
Incorporate more specific and varied examples to support your points. While you provide some illustrations, including more detailed examples would strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
Grammar & Accuracy
Proofread your essay for grammatical errors and typos. Correct language usage is crucial for effective communication and will help in presenting your ideas more clearly.
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