IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

A faction of people hold the notion that employment in(?) not necessary if there is a stable income. I totally agree with this opinion as ample reasons to substantiate it. This essay will explain my view with relevant illustrations.

It is thought that if
people
Use synonyms
would have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 a chance to choose a life with
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
 or job-less options, many of them
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 prefer
unemployed
Correct article usage
an unemployed
show examples
 life. I believe that
employment
Use synonyms
 is not necessary since there is a stable income.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain my viewpoint with relevant illustrations. First and foremost, one of the obvious stimulation for
employment
Use synonyms
 is remuneration.
In other words
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 have sufficient money for their living expenses they are not required to work for a living
instead
Linking Words
 they can pursue their dreams
such
Linking Words
 as travelling.
For example
Linking Words
, a young man from a reputed business family decided
for travelling
Change preposition
to travel
show examples
instead
Linking Words
 of managing their family business.
Besides
Linking Words
,
employment
Use synonyms
 may
be caused
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
physical issues and mental issues. To exemplify, It is believed that 40% of the workforce around the world
have
Verb problem
is
show examples
 suffering from various kinds of stress.
As a result
Linking Words
, the well-being of
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 would
inversely
Add a missing verb
be inversely
show examples
 affected by routine
employment
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, several
people
Use synonyms
 around the world prefer to do voluntary work rather than doing lucrative jobs. In detail,
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
employment
Use synonyms
 might provide financial security which would not be sufficient for
self satisfaction
Add a hyphen
self-satisfaction
show examples
,
therefore
Linking Words
, several
people
Use synonyms
 decide to do voluntary
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 for poor countries
instead
Linking Words
 of spending
throughout
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 in the corporate business world.
Similarly
Linking Words
, a
factionof
Correct your spelling
faction of
fraction of
people
Use synonyms
holds
Change the verb form
hold
show examples
 the notion that
employment
Use synonyms
 is not vital for living. In detail, YouTube influencers are creating income
while
Linking Words
 chasing their dreams. In conclusion, since
employment
Use synonyms
 causes physical and mental issues,
employment
Use synonyms
 is not necessary for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who have a second income. Several
people
Use synonyms
 choose voluntary work
instead
Linking Words
lucreative
Correct your spelling
lucrative
 job for self-satisfaction.

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Introduction
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the main arguments you will present. Your introduction does a good job laying out the essay structure, but try to make your thesis statement more specific.
Clarity
Work on clarity and precision in your arguments. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is thoroughly explained and supported. Avoid general statements without specific examples or explanations.
Coherence/Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to show the relationships between your ideas and to help your essay flow better. While you have some cohesive devices, varying your language more would improve readability.
Examples
Incorporate more specific and varied examples to support your points. While you provide some illustrations, including more detailed examples would strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
Grammar & Accuracy
Proofread your essay for grammatical errors and typos. Correct language usage is crucial for effective communication and will help in presenting your ideas more clearly.
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