IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Most high level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?

#level #positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #percent #percentage #women
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It is true that
women
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 make up over half of the workforce in many developed countries, and men hold
most
Correct article usage
the most
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 senior roles within
companies
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.
Therefore
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, some people argue that female candidates should be expanded. I do believe that encouraging more
women
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 in top jobs can help
companies
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 do better,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
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 it might not be fair for everyone who deserves the job. On the one hand,
companies
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 should be required to allocate a certain percentage of high-level
positions
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 to
women
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 because
gender
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 diversity is shown to improve organizational performance. Research indicates that
companies
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 with more
women
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 in
leadership
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 roles tend to have higher profitability, better decision-making, and greater innovation.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Norway demonstrates the effectiveness of policies aimed at increasing female representation in corporate
leadership
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. In 2003, Norway's policy required to have at least 40 % of
women
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 employees.
As a result
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, the percentage of
women
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 on corporate boards in Norway increased significantly.
On the other hand
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, some individuals believe that
leadership
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positions
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 should be filled based on qualifications and merit rather than
gender
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. Forcing
companies
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 to allocate
positions
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 based on
gender
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 could lead to disappointment in those who are based on merit.
In addition
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, males are able to handle their emotions,
while
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 for females it will be hard.
As a result
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, it may lead to poor management.
Besides
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, it has been proved that 80 % of men are more intelligent than
women
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, so males are better at
leadership
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positions
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. In conclusion,
while
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 it is true that
women
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 leaders benefit more than men in
companies
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 and lead to improved performance.
However
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, it is important to balance efforts to increase
gender
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 diversity, individuals
also
Linking Words
 should take into account
women
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’s abilities.
Submitted by lodele.0203 on

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coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence by using more cohesive devices like connectors and transition phrases to strengthen the connection between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing a clear and predictable structure in your essay. This includes having a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
Improve task response by addressing the prompt fully, ensuring both sides of the argument are discussed evenly and culminating with a more reasoned personal stance.
task achievement
Include more specific, detailed examples to support your main points and to enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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