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Band 4.5

Most high level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?

#level #positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #percent #percentage #women
Today’s
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In today’s
show examples
 world, developing countries need to use
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
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 with
high
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the high
a high
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 ability or
specifical
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specific
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skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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. Obviously, the top level positions are males
while
 others
not
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do not
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 agree with
this
,
companies
 should give the chance to worker as equal without separated genders. I agree with
message
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the message
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 and I will explain the reasons in
this
 essay. Nowadays, we are seeing a majority of
companies
are request
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are requesting
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 a
men
 workers only, it possible that the type of
companies
 relevant to security, hardworking may
injured
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be injured
injure
show examples
 during
job
Correct article usage
the job
show examples
,
for example
, cutting trees
work
; they climb the tree to cut a branch, or security grads of building in the night. They believe that the physical body of
men
stronger
Add a missing verb
is stronger
show examples
 than
women
 and
could
Wrong verb form
can
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 handle heavy
work
 and long hours
work
.
Additionally
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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most
of
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apply
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task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
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in
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apply
show examples
women
 do is paperwork in the office like
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
secretaries or receptionists which difficult to advance.
Moreover
, in some
counties
Correct your spelling
countries
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly people believe that females not
needed
Wrong verb form
need
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work
 after
marriages
Fix the agreement mistake
marriage
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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must
Correct word choice
and must
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 take care of children and do housework
instead
, a role of
make
Wrong verb form
making
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 money
to
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apply
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family
by
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apply
show examples
men
.
Hence
, females miss the chance to show their abilities.
On the other hand
,
women
 and
men
 should have access to the same professional opportunities and earn equal salaries.
Companies
 should allow
women
 to do
work
 as position as
men
 without
restrict
Wrong verb form
restricting
show examples
 traditional, sexes or
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
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 like polices, engineering, divers etc., They should be employed
according
Add the preposition
according to
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 their abilities, qualifications and experience.
Inconclusion
Correct your spelling
In conclusion
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, it seems some
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
open
Add a missing verb
are open
show examples
 the occupation only
men
Change preposition
to men
show examples
 because
companies
 are concerned safety of
women
 and the responsibility of jobs.
However
, career success depends on individual merit.
Submitted by chompoo34888 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
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Coherence & Cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your ideas from one sentence to the next, enhancing your essay's cohesion.
Task Achievement
Address the essay prompt directly in your introduction and conclude with a summary of your main points or a restatement of your position.
Task Achievement
Develop your arguments with more detailed examples and explanations to fully respond to the essay prompt.
Language
Check your essay for grammatical errors and use a range of vocabulary appropriate to the context.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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