IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

The two bar charts give information about the proportion of obesity in boys and girs between the ages of 12 and 19 by nationality in the United States for the two decades (2010 and 2014)

The two bar charts give information about the proportion of obesity in boys and girs between the ages of 12 and 19 by nationality in the United States for the two decades (2010 and 2014)
#two #bar #information #proportion #obesity #boys #girs #ages #nationality #states #decades
The two given pictures show the comparison between the percentage of boys and girls who suffered from obesity between the ages of 12 and 19, particularly for certain races in the United States (
non-hispanic
Correct your spelling
non-Hispanic
show examples
 white,
non-hispanic
Correct your spelling
non-Hispanic
show examples
 black, and
hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
show examples
) in 2004 and 2014. In summary, it is evident that the total obesity cases grew from 2004 to 2014, showing that
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
show examples
hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
non-
hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
show examples
 black
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 were
dominated
Replace the word
dominant
show examples
, To be specific, In 2004, boys who
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 body weight
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 were only at about 12%. Unfortunately, it got worse a decade later, resulting in
hispanian
Correct your spelling
Hispanics
 as the highest addition at 14%, followed by dark and white coloured
non hispanian
Correct your spelling
non-Hispanics
 at 9% and 5% respectively.
Otherwise
, it seems a little different for girls'
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
 who were dominated by
non-hispanic
Change the capitalization
non-Hispanic
show examples
black
Fix the agreement mistake
blacks
show examples
 at 16% and continued to jump to 29%.
Additionally
,
non-hispanic
Correct your spelling
non-Hispanic
show examples
 white (9%) and
hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
show examples
 (12%)
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 at
average
Correct article usage
an average
show examples
5,5
Change preposition
of 5,5
show examples
% in 2014.
Submitted by websiteonlyforme on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words non-hispanic with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "give" in your introduction.
▼

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!