IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You should write at least 250 words.

#minutes #people #activities #children’s #development #computer #games
It is true that one of the most important issues of today's society are very concerned about is the development of
children
. The question of whether doing outdoor activities for
children
's development than playing computer games is a controversial one. From my personal standpoint, I totally agree with the former idea. In the following paragraphs, I
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 give some reasons to support my argument. One of the strongest arguments in
this
 case is that parents should let is their
children
 play
sports
such
 as tennis, football, or any
sports
 that their
children
 interested in at an early age which leads to a comprehensive possibility of them, including physical and mental health.
Therefore
, those
children
 who take part in playing
sports
also
 have other benefits.
For example
, when kids join
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a football team, they will have opportunities to communicate with their teammates.
Hence
, increasing relationships and learning and exchanging knowledge with each other. Another point to help the convincing level of the statement is that it is undeniable the importance of doing exercise for kids. More specifically, not only do
children
 release sweat
while
 playing
sports
 but they
also
 will feel exhausted and desire to apply more food.
Thus
, the
children
 who play
sports
 will have a better body than their peers
due to
 the amount of food consumed.
Additionally
, spending time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing outdoor activities
also
 helps
children
 avoid addicted to digital advances like laptops, mobile phones, tablets, etc. In short, there are many ways to look at different sides of a matter and there have
also
 been opposite opinions
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 particular topic.
However
, the idea that playing outdoor activities
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more beneficial for
children
's development is more likely to be agreed with.
Submitted by aitam.dothi on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a good overall structure with clear paragraphs, an introduction, and a conclusion. However, you could improve the logical flow by making clearer connections between your ideas. Consider using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your argument seamlessly.
task achievement
You've addressed the prompt effectively by taking a clear stance and supporting it with arguments. To enhance your task achievement score, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and is fully developed with detailed examples and explanations. Avoid general statements by incorporating specific, tangible examples to directly tie your arguments back to the question.
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