In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time job while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teenagers working outweigh the disadvantages?

To do
part-time
Correct article usage
a part-time
show examples
job is very popular and captivating in the big cities.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
of the
students
are encouraged to perform some tasks by their
parents
and teachers. In my opinion, working as
a part-time workers
Correct the article-noun agreement
part-time workers
a part-time worker
show examples
have enormous pros as compared to the cons .
To begin
with, it gives financial support to the
students
who
lives
Correct subject-verb agreement
live
show examples
away from their homes and they can
fullfill
Correct your spelling
fulfil
their desires
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
that moment
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
assist their
parents
if they are in need . They become independent and
self -sufficient
Correct your spelling
self-sufficient
show examples
at
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
young age which helps them to expand their horizons.
For instance
, international
students
have
privilege
Change the article
the privilege
show examples
to do
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
20 hours per week
this
way , they can manage their rents , groceries bills and electricity bills .
Hence
, they do not put
burden
Add an article
the burden
a burden
show examples
on their
parents
for their pocket money.
Moreover
, when they perform different tasks at the workplace they get experiences and become experts in the same field.
Furthermore
, teenagers meet with
othe
Correct your spelling
other
people who give them appropriate advice for their careers .
Adding more
Wrong verb form
Additionally
show examples
,
team work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
and leadership skills are hard to learn
however
, it
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
easy when
students
are surrounded
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
experts.
For example
, working at Tim Hortons taught
how
Correct pronoun usage
me how
show examples
to manage orders and prepare them at the same time which is
great
Correct article usage
a great
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time management skill. Sometimes ,managing
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
along
part -time
Replace the word
with a part-time
show examples
job is not
easy
Add an article
an easy
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task because some of them are not able to concentrate
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
their studies and they will have restricted time for both tasks.
Therefore
, some subjects like medical science and mathematics really need deep concentration in order to get amazing marks.
To conclude
,
this
thing will be possible with
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
attitude ,motivation and support from the
parents
.
However
, it has more benefits as compared to the demerits .
Submitted by Kaurharvinder2984 on

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Task Achievement
Clearly state your opinion in the introduction to guide the reader through your argument. While your stance is somewhat clear, explicitly stating it will make your essay stronger.
Task Achievement
Ensure you address both sides of the argument to fully respond to the task. While you've predominantly discussed the advantages, including more on the disadvantages would create a more balanced argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to enhance the flow of your essay. While you've made an effort in this aspect, increasing the diversity of connectives can improve coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs. While you have structure, ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the content within each is fully developed and cohesive.
Task Achievement
Provide specific, relevant examples to support your main points. You've done this to some extent, but using more detailed examples can strengthen your argument.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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