In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and families. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
There is no doubt that in
this
competitive era,more and more individuals need to move away from their Replace the word
loved
love
ones to other places to find Replace the word
loved
successful
Add an article
a successful
the successful
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
job
for their future.I think the advantages of Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
this
development far outweight
the disadvantages in spite of two factors Correct your spelling
outweigh
such
as personal growth and higher income.In the next paragraph ,I will discuss the reason for this
in detail.
To begin
with ,in order to become a mature and responsibility
person ,the individuals need to leave their nest and grow because the changes help a person to experience and explore the things that might not be possible in their hometown.Replace the word
responsible
For example
,in the countryside ,there is no new development and technology to be exposed on
the younger generations.Change preposition
to
Therefore
,a waste of economic resourses
if the new generations fail to try Correct your spelling
resources
on
Change preposition
apply
the
new things.Next ,the higher income is the most critical reason for Correct article usage
apply
this
trend because with
the higher payment from their employers ,they will have more ability to support their families from afar.Add the comma(s)
, with
For example
,people will choose company B far away from their hometown compare
to company A because of the benefits and the higher salaries that have been offered.
Wrong verb form
compared
In contrast
,there is a disadvantage for
Change preposition
to
this
pace which is sense
of isolation from leaving their families and friends.Add an article
a sense
the sense
For example
,a father needs
to relocate for work because of better resources to provide needs to his family will feel lonely.Correct pronoun usage
who needs
Consequently
, this
will sometimes lead to stress-related illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
such
as mental problem
because of Fix the agreement mistake
problems
the
burnout Correct article usage
apply
and
Correct word choice
apply
presure
of workload and lack of interaction with the family.
In conclusion , the phenomena of Correct your spelling
pressure
the
merits far Correct article usage
apply
outweight
the demerits ,Correct your spelling
outweigh
although
the drawback
include illness but with help and support from Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
the
employers and families ,the problem can be solved.Correct article usage
apply
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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout your essay. Begin with an introduction that presents the topic and your opinion clearly. Follow with body paragraphs that each focus on a single main point, supported by examples or explanations. Conclude by summarizing your argument and restating your opinion. Consider using more paragraph breaks to enhance readability and organization.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing each of your main points more thoroughly. Present clear, relevant examples or detailed explanations to back up your arguments. This will help to make your essay more persuasive and your ideas more comprehensible.
task achievement
Ensure you fully address the question, offering a balanced view where necessary, and clearly stating your opinion. Include examples that are directly relevant to the question and explore both advantages and disadvantages to provide a more rounded argument. Your conclusion should clearly reflect your overview of the topic.