IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

As well as making money, businesses also have responsibilities. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#money #businesses #responsibilities
Over the past decades, topics relating to
businesses
 have never ceased to draw public attention. In
this
 day and age, some people are of the conviction that
besides
 earning
money
, companies have to be in charge of society. In
this
 essay, I completely consent to the idea that
businesses
 had better do more for society than simply make
money
. On the one hand,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 have to assert that earning a great deal of
money
 is an effective way for all
businesses
 to survive in the competitive world,
due to
 the fact that all individuals deem that having a decent income gives them a chance to make end meats
as well as
 indulge in a prosperous life.
Nevertheless
,
excepting
Wrong verb form
except
show examples
 for the life aspects above, it is necessary for corporations to provide people with reliability and good service by having innovation in their product's qualities and benefits not only to approach potential clients but
also
 to deepen existing rapports.
That is
 a win-win situation.
For example
, in some cosmetic stores,
instead
 of the aim for predominantly product's key performance indicator target, it is possible for managers to pay
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
attention to client's attitudes when purchasing their items by generating a few small samples for each product to be an appropriate for their customers.
In addition
, it can be seen that
businesses
 could utilize a proportion of profits to support local charities,
Correct word choice
and environmental
show examples
environmental
Correct word choice
and environmental
show examples
 and educational projects, which will
heighten
Verb problem
improve
show examples
 social living
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
 better. First and foremost, in terms of education and charity, corporations could collaborate with
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to make an effective strategy in advocating some common
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 in study for children living
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the breadline in remote areas, which assists them to have a chance to approach education completely.
Moreover
, in environmental campaigns,
sub-department
Correct article usage
the sub-department
show examples
 of environment protection
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 in charge of propagating some useful messages,
such
 as afforestation, doing not
litter
Wrong verb form
littering
show examples
 illegally,....
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public places.
besides
 oral propagation projects, companies form some environmental preservation days,
such
 as World Environment Day
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
june
Change the capitalization
June
show examples
 fifth
anually
Correct your spelling
annually
manually
, which not only accelerates
people'
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 awareness but
also
 becomes a civilized person. In conclusion, with the plausible explanations above, I deem that social
accounbilities
Correct your spelling
accountabilities
 should be put on the top of
businesses
' priority,
besides
 earning
money
.
Submitted by vantueman496 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Enhance your essay’s structure by introducing clearer paragraph breaks and using linking words more explicitly to guide the reader through your argument. This will help in improving logical progression and cohesiveness of your essay.
task achievement
Focus on maintaining a formal tone throughout your essay by avoiding contractions ('i' should be capitalized, 'do not' instead of 'doing not', etc.) and ensuring proper punctuation and grammar. This will enhance the overall readability and professionalism of your writing.
task achievement
Although your essay provides a thorough response to the prompt, consider developing your ideas further by incorporating more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to enrich your language and effectively convey your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Social responsibilities
  • Corporate social responsibility
  • Ethical behavior
  • Societal impact
  • Stakeholders
  • Profit-driven
  • Public perception
  • Environmental sustainability
  • Community development
  • Human rights
  • Workplace safety
  • Altruism
  • Balanced approach
  • Accountability
  • Consumer loyalty
What to do next:
Look at other essays: