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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.
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The charts demonstrate the proportion of
time
Use synonyms
 consumed by adult workers on various activities in one country between 1958 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, according
Add the preposition
to
show examples
the pie charts in both years , show the largest percentage for relaxing hours at home and working hours.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the lowest level is sleeping and spending
time
Use synonyms
 with family or friends. Regarding the pie charts in 1958 and 2008, the work represents the highest percentage (33% and 42%) , respectively .
This
Linking Words
 is followed by sleeping forms ( 32% and 25%).
While
Linking Words
 the
time
Use synonyms
 spent with family or friends demonstrated 19% in 1958 compared to 2008 was dramatically decreased to only 6%.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the
time
Use synonyms
 of chill at home in 1958 was 8%
whereas
Linking Words
 in 2008 rose sharply to 13%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, spending
time
Use synonyms
 on other activities
such
Linking Words
 as travel to work slightly rose from 2% in 1958 to 8% in 2008
wherea
Correct your spelling
whereas
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
playing sports was no significant change between 1958 and 2008.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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