IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

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The relationship between social equality and freedom path for personal
success
Use synonyms
 has always been an open-ended debate for
Correct article usage
the publics
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publics
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public
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.
While
Linking Words
 I understand individual merits are important for personal
success
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, I am more inclined to the view that egalitarian societies are prerequisites for individual
success
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. On the one hand,
success
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 comes from mixed factors
besides
Linking Words
 personal talents,
such
Linking Words
 as
social-economic
Correct your spelling
socioeconomic
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 status and external support. All these factors have addressed the importance of access to
resources
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. Without equal
chance
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chances
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 accessing to
resources
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,
such
Linking Words
 as job opportunities and educational
resources
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, women would not
achieve
Wrong verb form
have achieved
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sheer
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the sheer
a sheer
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 volume of
accomplishment
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accomplishments
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 in recent decades.
For example
Linking Words
, one 18-year-old girl, who is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 Stanford undergraduate electrical
engineer
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engineering
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 student and a founder of an AI start-up, has raised 1bn venture fund lately. She might not
achievement
Replace the word
achieve
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 personal
success
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 without being given
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 equal chance
to
Change preposition
at
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 the top prestigious university in the world and a promised acknowledgement in the landscape, which used to be male-dominated. Obviously,
Correct article usage
the gender
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gender
Correct article usage
the gender
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 equality concept instilled in the public is crucial for women’s
success
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I understand that critics hold the opinion that talents should have unlimited freedom to exert their abilities and should not be interfered
by
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with by
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 external parties. One good example to refuse
this
Linking Words
 argument is race or geographical discrimination. Elon Musk. who was born in South Africa, has talent in programming and later chose to immigrate to Canada pursuing futural potential growth.
Although
Linking Words
 he is smart, equal identity recognition and
large
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a large
the large
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 degree of acceptance
to
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of
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 immigrants from society have
play
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played
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 an important part in his successful life journey. In conclusion, personal merits are important to help people succeed but equal access to
resources
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 and a society with
deeply
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the deeply
a deeply
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 instilled
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values
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value
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values
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 of equalitarian
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
prerequisites
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prerequisite
Fix the agreement mistake
prerequisites
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 for talents to exert their merits.

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task achievement
Be sure to clearly define your stance at the beginning of the essay and reiterate it in your conclusion for a stronger impact.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your ideas more logically by clearly dividing different arguments into separate paragraphs, using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each.
task achievement
To enhance your argument, it’s vital to delve deeper into analyzing how equality fosters an environment that facilitates personal achievements, rather than merely stating it.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the cohesion of your essay by employing a wider range of linking words and phrases. This will help in smoothly connecting ideas and sections within your essay.
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