In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

The relationship between social equality and freedom path for personal
success
has always been an open-ended debate for
Correct article usage
the publics
show examples
publics
Fix the agreement mistake
public
show examples
.
While
I understand individual merits are important for personal
success
, I am more inclined to the view that egalitarian societies are prerequisites for individual
success
. On the one hand,
success
comes from mixed factors
besides
personal talents,
such
as
social-economic
Correct your spelling
socioeconomic
show examples
status and external support. All these factors have addressed the importance of access to
resources
. Without equal
chance
Fix the agreement mistake
chances
show examples
accessing to
resources
,
such
as job opportunities and educational
resources
, women would not
achieve
Wrong verb form
have achieved
show examples
sheer
Add an article
the sheer
a sheer
show examples
volume of
accomplishment
Fix the agreement mistake
accomplishments
show examples
in recent decades.
For example
, one 18-year-old girl, who is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
Stanford undergraduate electrical
engineer
Replace the word
engineering
show examples
student and a founder of an AI start-up, has raised 1bn venture fund lately. She might not
achievement
Replace the word
achieve
show examples
personal
success
without being given
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
equal chance
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
the top prestigious university in the world and a promised acknowledgement in the landscape, which used to be male-dominated. Obviously,
Correct article usage
the gender
show examples
gender
Correct article usage
the gender
show examples
equality concept instilled in the public is crucial for women’s
success
.
On the other hand
, I understand that critics hold the opinion that talents should have unlimited freedom to exert their abilities and should not be interfered
by
Change preposition
with by
show examples
external parties. One good example to refuse
this
argument is race or geographical discrimination. Elon Musk. who was born in South Africa, has talent in programming and later chose to immigrate to Canada pursuing futural potential growth.
Although
he is smart, equal identity recognition and
large
Add an article
a large
the large
show examples
degree of acceptance
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
immigrants from society have
play
Change the verb form
played
show examples
an important part in his successful life journey. In conclusion, personal merits are important to help people succeed but equal access to
resources
and a society with
deeply
Add an article
the deeply
a deeply
show examples
instilled
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
of equalitarian
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
prerequisites
show examples
prerequisite
Fix the agreement mistake
prerequisites
show examples
for talents to exert their merits.
Submitted by erminelyu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Be sure to clearly define your stance at the beginning of the essay and reiterate it in your conclusion for a stronger impact.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your ideas more logically by clearly dividing different arguments into separate paragraphs, using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each.
task achievement
To enhance your argument, it’s vital to delve deeper into analyzing how equality fosters an environment that facilitates personal achievements, rather than merely stating it.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the cohesion of your essay by employing a wider range of linking words and phrases. This will help in smoothly connecting ideas and sections within your essay.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!